I have always been sick. But I have almost always kept going. Most of my life has been spent connected to nature and gardens. Now I am a city slicker. I find myself too sick and weak to walk or drive or garden or camp. Part of me no longer cares because I am so fatigued. I am discouraged. I got really fat from prednisone and then even heavier after my third stroke. It was a very long two years to lose weight, regain strength and become able again.

I have never been as disabled as I am now. My lupus and myasthenia and arthritis and allergies, etc are making me feel yucky and sore. I can barely move from my chair to the bathroom or my chair to the bed. Cooking is incredibly painful. My knee joints are toast. I don’t think I have any joints that aren’t swollen and screaming. Not a day goes by without swollen lymphs somewhere.

My eyes are itchy and alternately too dry or too wet. My vision is double and blurry. Ever since West Nile Virus I get migraines and killer headaches. My ears ache more often than not. I have a non-stop snotty nose.

My neck ALWAYS hurts. It hurts to turn my head and it hurts to hold my head upright. Any movement of my head makes me awfully dizzy. Things moving around me do the same. I constantly feel queasy. I first developed the hump on my back in my 20’s. I guess it’s a combo of rheumatoid arthritis and prednisone use.

My arms are weak because of MG and fibromyalgia and arthritis. I go through bouts of tendon pain, too. Heck, I can’t even begin to categorize everything! 😦

My torso is full of organs that act up. All of them have gone rogue from time to time…kidneys, liver, spleen, stomach, intestines, bladder, heart, lungs. Sooooooooo many hospitalizations! Now I have the giant hernia and the unhealed belly wound. The scar tissue from the hysterectomy is from my pubic area to above my belly button. It hurts like heck. Lots of pulling and tightness. Deep numbness, yet also pain.

I could write a book about all the parts of me that don’t work right and hurt. At what point do people just give up and die? Each time I go out in the apartment’s common areas, the buzz is about who is sick, who has been hauled off to the hospital, who is in a medical rehab facility and who is being put in a home or assisted living. Then somebody goes and dies several times a year. It’s depressing.

The mental issues here are even worse. There are some pretty serious addictions to cigarettes, narcotics, alcohol, street drugs and sex. It’s shocking who hooks up with who and how many hookers roam around this building. There’s a full range of mental illnesses represented. Some people live in what I would consider hell. And folks here are the ones who keep it together well enough to stay housed through it all.

I am feeling lost today. I am sick , the day is gray, the stomper is a PITA and BYU TV has suddenly turned into a sports channel. I want to watch inspirational talks and scripture studies, not obnoxious sports, a grain chef or stupid comedy skits. I don’t find much appealing in the world today. I am sick of people, place, weather, entertainment and ME!!!!!


Brunch was good going down, but eating food…how ever much or what…hurts. Sigh….

The most fun around here is Olive. When the sun shines, she chases reflections from my phone. On cloudy days I have to do it the old fashioned way…a mouse on a stick.


I keep going online to look at my checking account. My rent check still hasn’t cleared. I went down to talk to the manager. He never got it. Lord only knows what the sub did with it last week. Turns out the resident assistants are probably on their way out. Sounds good to me! They have been unpleasant to live near and sure don’t do their work well or at all.

As long as I was being cranky, I brought up the out of control apartment building quarterly meeting, the lack of consequences to breaking the rules here and the growing public atmosphere of intolerance and nastiness. I didn’t even cry. He was polite and kind. I think people here are losing hope at the lack of leadership and the anything goes atmosphere. The manager is a fine man, he just needs more backbone. I couldn’t do his job!

I also told the manager about the stomper going nuts for half an hour around 3 AM. As I was talking, the stomper came along. It was kind of fun to watch the manager squirm. I suspect he does the same thing with her that he does with me. He probably is not reprimanding her the way he says. He doesn’t like having people mad at him. Well, me either, but he gets paid to do the managing of people and property.

Yup, I am miss cranky pants today.