Besides myasthenia gravis, I wonder how West Nile Virus has permanently changed me. My brain has certainly never been the same! WNV gave me some sort of anxiety that went down to my very cells. All along, as I thought I was getting better, in retrospect, I wasn’t even close. The whole thing was scary! It seemed like something new and bad happened daily for months. Then that blended right in to the two belly operations which blended into the holes in my intestines which blended into my MG and whatever else it is going on right now.

Can you imagine how valiantly my body has been fighting to repair itself and get better? I have spent most of my life trying to stay alive long enough to watch my daughter grow up. Now there are grandsons. Those three people have kept me alive.

In 2005 I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That was a huge change for me. Up until then I had always believed in God, always had faith, but there was a lot I didn’t understand. It was fuzzy and confusing. Then I learned about the plan of happiness and read the Book of Mormon. My belief and faith now made more sense. I finally realized I am a beloved daughter of God. Jesus did what he did for ME! With my newfound understanding, I was happier than I had ever been, despite the evil that the world threw at me.

I think about all that a lot. There’s a woman here with no children and no religion. I like her 😊 But…her situation makes me sad. She had a hysterectomy a few months before I did. She is almost always feeling down. She has no firm foundation to cling to through thick and thin. She has way more money than me, but she feels empty.

One thing being low income has taught me is interdependence. With plenty of money, you just buy some version of happiness. Without money, it’s more important for folks to look out for each other and depend on each other. In some ways, wealth seems like a curse.

It seems very obvious to me that the super wealthy are sociopathic mentally ill people. They are the extreme example of greed and not loving others as themselves. How much money and power do they need? Why????? What would possess someone to go that route instead of simply enjoying their lives and families and friends? Creepy…

Just now, the General Conference talk by Elder Holland came on again. He is saying all the right words, but are the LDS people taking it to heart? This is the talk about caring for the poor. Utah does not include dental benefits for adults in their Medicaid benefits. And if someone like me lives in a ward with greater needs than money to spend on the poor, how am I supposed to ever get my teeth fixed? They hurt every single day 😞 The political climate in Utah is what is keeping me from the medical and dental care that I need. How is that OK in the context of what Elder Holland is saying? Way too many people don’t connect the lines between their politics and my suffering. They just blithely stop up their ears, close their eyes and whistle past me. Kinda hard for me to not take personally.

Yup, money is a tricky thing. We all need some to pay for food, clothing and shelter. How is a disabled person supposed to get enough to live on if it doesn’t come from the government or church? There are rules in place to keep me from getting money. It’s a crazy system meant to put and keep someone like me in jeopardy. I don’t know what the way out is.

I woke up this morning with a crushing headache. I went to bed at 7:30 PM, got up at 9:30 AM, but there were many hours in the middle that I wasn’t asleep. I choked a long, long time. I am exhausted. I kept checking the oxygen hoses, but there weren’t any holes and the connections were tight. I felt like I was suffocating. The elephants have been sitting on my chest all morning.

I have to keep wondering…why does God keep me around? It seems like it would be so easy to close my eyes and slip away. I hope that somehow my presence on earth makes a difference.