No word yet about my CT scan. I am very weak. My left eye keeps closing shut and the right eye isn’t very perky. I look better than I feel and that’s not saying much. 😜 Snicker…

My voice is broken. I am weak thanks to MG….from head to toes.

To make it seem even worse, all the TV stations are showing free Thanksgiving dinners that were put on around town. I never hear about them until they are over. Some organizations are doing events to get presents and coats and food for poor folks. And, they keep showing the turkey give away that I DID know about, but am too sick and weak to trek off to. How the heck do people find out about this stuff? How come nobody remembers wimpy old people like me who are sick and disabled and stuck at home? Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today.

Between the ads and news, I pretty much always feel sorry for myself this time of year…and during most holidays. I am old and alone and it sucks! I beat back the feelings of loss and abandonment most of the year, but it’s not so easy right now. I keep thinking about all my failed relationships with men. I have spent my entire life longing for human closeness. I am very thankful for my daughter 😊 Most other family relationships suck. I am also grateful for the people who once were strangers and are now friends. 😀

But…the reality is that I am all alone, sitting at home on a gorgeous day. I physically feel horrible and am sobbing my heart out. I think I just need to cry my brains out and try to release some of the pain. I spend a lot of my life feeling like an observer of life rather than a participant.

I see people going on vacations, going Christmas shopping, gathering for meals, going to movies or concerts or restaurants or the zoo. I go grocery shopping and whole swaths of the store are things I can’t afford. I see clothes stores and wish I could pay for one new outfit a year. I see people going for a ride in a car and I wish I had that freedom. I hear about something people say they hate, like a trip to the dentist. I wish I could go!

I wish I could go to church or the family history library without getting sick. I wish I had the energy to see Temple Square lit with Christmas lights. Most places in SLC are off limits to me either economically or because of health. My world is very, very small.

Right now they are doing a story about the Day of Thanks. There are pics of heaps of real, decent food being donated to the food bank. How come none of it ever shows up in our boxes??? This month was the worst we have ever gotten in the 2+ years I have been here. What am I doing wrong in life? Why aren’t I worthy enough? Why are other people happy and healthy and I am miserable today?

Ohhhhhh…..guess who called? The internist’s guy nurse. He says my abdomen is full of new sinus tracts and fistulas. That means my intestines and organs are all connected together. They are not supposed to be. That’s what’s causing the constant infections, fevers, chills, night sweats, etc. That’s also what is making my MG so much worse.

The nurse told me to call the surgeon. But last time the surgeon said I would die if he operated and would die if he didn’t. He refused to operate on me.

So, I have calls in to the surgeon and gastro nurse. The surgeon’s nurse told me to go to a different hospital’s ER and get antibiotics. She says my usual ER is full of idiots 😳 I asked if she would contact my internist and tell him to give me antibiotics. She is working on it and I have an appointment with the surgeon for Monday.

Gee, no wonder I have been so sick.

Everything I said in the beginning of this blog post pales in comparison to the latest news. Sigh…..

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