My brain works in slow motion. I have made one mistake after another all day Thursday. Mostly it’s stupid stuff like forgetting how to turn channels or check emails. I walk in a room and don’t know why. I open a cupboard and stare blankly. I put my clothes on inside out. I forgot how to drive my power chair.

After the oxygen man brought tubing, I put 3 packages in a drawer and threw the other bag next to my CPAP machine. Tonight I heard Olive chasing something around in the bedroom. After a few minutes I realized it wasn’t one of her cat toys. Arghhhhhh!!!!!! I go in the bedroom to find Olive had pulled apart the sealed plastic bag and had started chewing on the tubing. It already had holes. I miss my brain!

I went out to get my mail this afternoon when my back/hip/leg pain got too bad. I stuck my head in the community room to look at the newly put up Christmas tree. There was a bunch of stuff up for grabs on the free table. While I was looking through the boxes, a woman brought more.

Just yesterday I had asked about the guy with Scruffy the dog. I hadn’t seen either one of them for awhile. I was very sad to learn that he is dying. That was his daughter cleaning out his apartment. She said he had just been sitting in his apartment, smoking 6 packs of cigarettes a day. Now he is living with her until he dies 😞 I didn’t need or want much, but I did grab a stainless steel colander and a few canned goods. Everything was covered in a layer of brown film from all that smoking. Yuck! So, so sad.

A large percentage of people in this building are sick right now. The darn bad air days from temperature inversions take a huge toll on old and disabled people. Several people have bronchitis and everybody I know with COPD and asthma are having a hard time breathing. I don’t think my chest ever stops hurting. It’s mostly a matter of how many elephants are sitting on me. Both of these women are having breathing issues. That’s the grand entrance Christmas tree in the background. There are at least 4 trees up around the building.

My evening has been painful. I watched a few minutes of Peter Pan. I couldn’t get past the fact that a woman was Peter Pan. Pain was making me crazy. I messed around with stuff until I couldn’t bear to sit or stand another second. I spent an hour writhing around in bed and watched the last few minutes of Peter Pan.

I took meds, watched the news and tried sleeping again. Between wiping away night sweats and writhing around, I doubt I slept more than a few minutes. Now I am watching a 50’s music public TV pledge program. That’s desperation! I’m in tremendous pain and distress. I don’t want to take a pain pill. It didn’t really help the first night of this. Another night at wit’s end!

At least Olive provides comic relief from time to time. I couldn’t figure out what she was batting around under the chair. It’s the toggle from my coat hanging down.

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I am about ready to rip out my hips with my bare hands. Soooooooo painful! I don’t understand how I went from mystery infection to pinched nerves and such awful arthritis in a few days. That one muscle in my left butt cheek is on FIRE!!!!!!!! The connection between left hip and left leg is excruciating! Of course my lipodermatosclerosis leg is doing its part to add to the pain. My arms hurt, my head wants to explode. This week I truly hate night time. All day is bad, but night is exponentially worse.

Is it pain like this that tempts people to take illegal drugs or drink until in a stupor? The nerve pain I feel sometimes turns into intense itching. What’s up with that????? My left arm muscle will flutter, go numb, then itch. The bad leg pain turns right into intense itching. My whole left side is a wreck!

So tired! It’s after 2 AM. I wonder if I can sleep a whole hour?

Yup, slept an hour, sat up a couple and FINALLY slept from 5-7 AM. I have to sleep directly on the sorest spot and use double blankets from the waist down. From the waist up, I have never ending night sweats. Much of my night is spent wiping away drool and then lifting up my CPAP mask to wipe off sweat. It sure makes for a horrible night. The worst pain is where the leg attaches to the hips. The large lump of fluid there has gone down by half since Monday.

I don’t suppose anyone reading this has had these problems? My lower back has been acting up for months. That’s what hurts when I do dishes or cook. Whenever I am in the kitchen, I have to bend over the sink or countertop to ease the pain as I try to get things done. If I stand too long…or at all on a bad day, it cuts off my breathing. My diaphragm suddenly paralyzes, which is very, very scary.

I had a visitor today. I wish I had her official title written down. She is the person who sat in on my second psychiatrist visit. There is a new program that started last month to integrate mental and physical care. The shrink wants to help me get better medical help. The woman who showed up today is going to help me make a medical binder of all my doctors and what they are treating me for. It’s an effort to organize and categorize all my info in order to get better care. This woman will be going to my doc appointments with me. She says if I am hospitalized or go to a care center, she will visit. She will supposedly be my advocate wherever and whenever one is needed. She wanted some copies made, so we went down to the apartment manager’s office. She introduced herself to him and we joked around. She even told him I am not crazy and she and the doc were impressed by what an interesting life I have led and think I have amazing coping skills. Uhhhhh….that’s only because she doesn’t read my blog!

And my disability lawyers contacted me today. They are still gathering info and are fighting for me, too. This is so cool!

I am in sooooo much pain already tonight!!! I hope I can cope with the inevitable torture this evening. My lungs/ribs hurt wicked bad. How can one body contain this much pain?!?!?!!!!! I just had a can of chicken noodle soup that I scrounged from the free table. Darn! It didn’t cure me.

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