Just before I ended up in ICU, I was convinced I had an infection. I am even more convinced now. I feel sick. The sickness is what’s making my MG go downhill fast. There is something not right going on in my pelvic/abdominal area. That’s nothing new, but it’s getting more intense. Good thing I have an appointment with my internist next week.

This morning I woke up and started dry heaving. That made my guts turn into a rock. It hurts my hernia to the point of almost fainting. That makes me even sicker.

I went back to bed at maybe 8:30 AM and woke up after 1 PM. This is getting to be a habit. Still the same old story. Debilitating dizziness, weak all over and generalized feeling icky. I am pretty sure I have an infection somewhere. I don’t know what else would cause this.

Someone online has been quizzing me about the details of my life. Virtually no one realizes how little income someone like me gets. That got me thinking about last week. One of those days I was walking and talking, I was sitting in the lobby when a woman hung over the balcony and asked if any of us wanted her butter. She had 2 tubs from the LDS church. When no one else spoke up, I said sure! She said she didn’t know why she asked for so much. I like this woman. BUT….she has a brand new fancy car and just got back from a cruise. She said she needs $900/month above and beyond her rent just to pay bills. She gets food from the bishop!

I am an idiot chump. I follow the directions to live within my means, not use credit cards, be frugal and do my best to help myself before I ask for help. I drag my butt to the park in all sorts of weather to get free, half rotten food instead of asking my bishop for a food order. People in this building go to 3 wards that I know of. We are all supposed to be in the same one. When I moved here, the people at the Bishop’s Storehouse at Welfare Square told me I would get a very large food order to stock up my apartment and get me going. I asked the bishop for a food order…..just a regular one. He went nuts on me, asking why I didn’t have a job when we first met. I will never forget that day. I was burning up from WNV. He didn’t care that Rhett didn’t have a job. Then the next time I met with the bishop, his assistant had called me and set up the appointment. I didn’t know why he wanted to talk. He started off with a snarky prayer about entitlement. He thought we had made the appointment to come beg for something! I never wanted to ask for anything again.

Then I was moved over to a ward with a building I wasn’t allergic to. The bishop was much nicer. The missionaries arranged for me to get some food. I got either the wrong order or a messed up order. What single person needs 2 bunches of celery? I figured I was better off doing what I could for myself. I didn’t have to beg or be disappointed or be humiliated.

Last week I watched 4 people go to the food bank and come home with a full sized van packed to the rafters with food. It was a mother/son who live together and boyfriend/girlfriend singles who live across from each other. 2 of the 4 have jobs, one gets Social Security, the other I have no clue. The food bank box delivered here for us old folks each month is pathetic. We used to get good stuff like eggs, peanut butter, canned meats, cheese, etc. No longer.

What am I doing wrong in life? Why are the people who are better off financially and physically getting all the help? Not feeling too happy about that right now. I have plenty of carbs in my food storage, but not much of what I should be eating. I feel like as long as I have food storage, I shouldn’t be begging for help. Am I being an idiot chump? I guess so.

Can you tell I am getting grouchy from losing my strength and getting sick? The story of my life the last 3 years is like some sort of fiction novel. I would like it to be easier for at least a few days. Sigh….