I am glad I went…..and I am very glad I am home! Sometime between 7:30 and 8 PM I got so antsy that I was ready to explode. I felt awful, but I needed to get the heck out of the apartment. I was feeling deprived of fresh fruits and vegetables. It was also nice, cool and breezy. I was going to take TRAX to Trader Joe’s, but I missed the train by a few minutes. I wheeled it to Smith’s, instead. Got a couple of packages of bacon on sale for $1.99 each, some cherries and a bag of brown sugar, etc. Went next door to Trader Joe’s for chicken chili burgers, sun dried tomatoes, a bag of avocados, etc. Got on TRAX, got off at Courthouse and took the green line to Rancho Market. Got some good deal fruits and vegetables such as two red potatoes .59, two white potatoes .44, six jalapenos .19, cilantro .34, six white onions $1.22, four Mexican squash .77, one pound of strawberries $1.59, two mangoes $1, three peaches .84, etc. I managed to spend $66.54 at the three stores. Now I have $18.35 SNAP to last until August 15th for food. Who can live on that? Sigh…
I love shopping in the evening. It feels like a whole other world. The city is sparkly. The sky is gorgeous. Sunset was as I was going over the big bridge, on my way to Rancho. When I left the store, I turned on my LED green blinky thing and hoped no cars would run me over. There wasn’t a single crossing flag to be found in the holders at any intersection.
It was a pleasant train ride until we got to Temple station. Hordes of rich, old people, all dressed up, crowded onto the train…like sardines. I have never been on TRAX when every inch of standing room was taken. I could hear lots of LDS buzzwords, so most of the crowd must have been LDS. I watched husbands and wives, a bit older than me, interacting. Tears started leaking out. I pretty much avoid “normal people” doing “normal things”. I dart in and out of stores, mostly oblivious to the people around me.
Wow. It hit hard. At that moment I realized how different I am. In a wheelchair, fat, alone, sick, disconnected, poor, no one to care about me at home but a cat. The crowdedness made me feel panicky. I was walled in and could not get out. I had three bags of groceries hanging from the back of my wheelchair and a case of coconut water at two cans for $1, between my feet. Rich people having a good time acted as if I was invisible, an alien and of no consequence. Only one guy attempted to clear a pathway so I could get to the door. Lots of people were going down the wheelchair ramp, and not letting me out. I was afraid the ramp would retract and I would be stuck on the train. Part of me wanted to plow over the oblivious couples and get out NOW. No one cared that I was in a wheelchair, trying to escape. I was irrationally freaked out.
When I finally got off the train, I was pinned against the machine to swipe cards on. Dozens of people just kept coming. No one looked at me. No one cared I was stuck in that spot. A woman walking by said to the next woman that her calling was compassionate service leader. I could not hold back the stupid tears. I cried all the way home on the sidewalks. Maybe I am more nuts than I think.
Earlier, when my neighbor came to visit, we were talking about the temple pictures on my wall. I have known her 3 years. I never knew she was a temple-going Mormon that left the church! She was very bitter. She hated temple clothing and she hated church people. She gave lots of examples how she had been snubbed. I did mention that if a wealthy ward member went to the hospital or had a baby or needed help, the ward rallied around, bringing meals, cleaning their house, giving rides to appointments….but when bad stuff happened to people like me….silence.
After talking about that, then being stuck in the LDS crowd, I felt very alone and very different. At least the stretch from the Courthouse TRAX station to past Washington Park is usually devoid of people. I could sob in total privacy.
Yup….glad to get home! I got here just after 10. And I am stocked up on food for awhile. Now I can rest in peace. Hmmmmm….that sounds morbid….
Very good quote from Lao Tzu. About your expedition, glad that you were able to get some good fruits and vegetable. James went shopping yesterday and came home with 9 mangoes! They were 49 cents a piece. The best thing about summer here is that fruits and vegetables are easier to find and cheaper,
It is more thrilling to shop at night! Love the picture of the building with the lights.
That part about rich people going their way and you being invisible is what it is like in the rich parts of the LA like Beverly Hills. People look straight ahead and don’t see you. If I was with you, I would have said “excuse” let her through. That is heartless that they hog the ramp that is meant for people who really need it. Think instead of more “normal’ people and “compassionate leaders”, we need more people filled with compassion and ready to share their love. ( I am thinking of Mother Theresa).
There are non caring people in every church. I remember crying with my mother when our minister was fired by the deacons. He encouraged caring and harmony among people. When he and his wife took a short vacation, he had a black minister fill in for him who gave wonderful sermons, One of the new members had adopted children from different countries and they were all different races. I saw one of the deacons look at them like he was upset. When my minister came back, there was a big meeting of the deacons and he was out. So was the new family that I loved so much.
Once before he left,all of the senior kids had to give short sermons on which side we were on 1. Everyone should be alike and 2. Everyone should be different.
LOL I took the different side of course. I don’t like uniformity. No one except the new family, my mother and a few of my friends commented on what I said.
OK, that was from the past, but I think the story fits. I don’t understand people sometimes. They can be very cruel and they don’t realize that sometimes those would need give back with their happiness so much more than they would ever expect. Small acts of kindness need to be done all the time. We need to love each other.
I never explained how I knew all these people were rich….besides their nice clothes. They were all going to the Grand America Hotel. http://www.grandamerica.com/ One thing I like about where I live in SLC is being around so many nationalities of people. My biggest regret about that is that I cannot afford to taste all the sorts of ethnic food available! I am often the only boring white person at my favorite Mexican and Asian stores. Last night I breezed past a Peruvian celebration around the outside of the library. Ahhhhh…..money and health….two things that make food exploration more fun. I miss both.
Wendy, I apologize if this is too forward but something just caused me to have this idea and I wanted to run it by you. You may have already considered this, but if not…
Have you ever thought about looking for a room to rent in a house in SLC instead of the senior apartments? It seems like you could find a room for less than you currently pay (with enough left over for utilities — what else does the apartment rent cover, anything?) Even if the cost was equal you could perhaps find a safer or more pleasant neighborhood where you didn’t have to deal with druggies or pigeon poop…
Obviously you’d have your requirements, such as wheelchair accessible and convenient to public transit. And you’d want to make sure you’re comfortable with the other folks in the house — but that all seems possible, no?
You do so well on such an amazingly small amount of money, and it seems like if you could just squeeze a tiny bit more out, like maybe save $50 or $100 per month off rent that you could then put toward good food instead of all the FNB carb stuff, that might really make a difference for you.
Again, I apologize if that’s too forward or if you’ve already thought through and rejected this idea.
Sue
I have thought of all sorts of ideas. My $525 rent includes everything. That’s one reason I liked this complex. If I were to move….there’s no way in heck it would be in Utah. If I had enough money and energy to move, it would be to a state friendlier to low income disabled people…or Texas :-p I think I would hate roommates more than druggies, alcoholics, pigeon poop, etc all put together. Sharing living arrangements might make my disability check go down. It would make SNAP less. Lots of convoluted rules. The government takes all household income into consideration….whether you know the roommates or not. I haven’t been to FNB in a couple of months. That saves me $3/week that can then go for fresh food at Rancho. So far, I feel happier with more control over my diet. I was eating the free stuff because it was free…..not because I wanted it or because it was good for me. At this point, I am waiting to see if the judge grants me IVIg. Enough strength to think straight would be nice 🙂 My kid is moving to Austin, TX. So far all the apartments like this in TX have 18-24 month waiting lists….IF you are already on the list. Most cities and towns have closed lists. Yup….frustrating! Most houses in most states are not handicap accessible. I need ramps, elevators, no stairs, wide doors, automatic front door, handicap bathroom, etc. etc. Sigh…..I miss the old days when I could stick my thumb out, pitch a tent and live without medical equipment.
I figured you had thought it through — and how ridiculous that the benefits depend on the “household” income even in a room-rental situation, argh.
And personally, I agree with you that I wouldn’t like having roommates (unless it was a partner). But the druggies and smoke etc doesn’t sound like fun either.
How frustrating that there are such long waiting lists in Austin — it would be great if you could be near Heather and the boys all the time.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I’m astounded at the medical runaround you have been given for getting the treatment that you know helps. I’m glad you’ve taken it to the legal system — I hope it comes through for you! Will keep thinking good thoughts for you on that.
Sue
I almost always keep the hope and faith that things happen for a reason. Someday I will understand. Today has been another tough one. I hope I never give up….no matter how easy that sounds at the moment. Thanks 🙂