Saturday night I slept from 11 PM to 4 AM and 5 AM to 10:30 AM. And the best part? I never once choked or coughed while in bed! šŸ™‚ I also did not have drenching night sweats for the first time in “forever”. What a humongous relief!!!

I got all excited. I thought maybe I had turned a corner. But, I spent the rest of the day feeling tired, coughing and like I was watching my life from afar.

I burst into tears at 4:30 PM. I had just read over more of the packet from the judge and felt very angry and depressed. Exhibit A was from the idiot neuro that’s NOT my doc. It had more factual errors than truth. I feel powerless in this whole process. Why didn’t the judge care what all my past docs said or what MY Utah neuro said? The trial was July 27th. She signed her decision on July 29th!!!!!!!!! I don’t know if the packet contained ALL the documents from the trial. If it did, the February hospitalization for myasthenic crisis, the 5 IVIgs and the 4 page pdf from my neuro are not included. I hope I get good explanations from the Disability Law Center lawyers.

By the time the nurse got here after 5, I was struggling to breathe and kept coughing, with some serious choking. My voice was broken. My temperature was going up. She got to see it all first hand. She was shocked. On her oximeter over a few minutes, I showed 90% or below for oxygen saturation. Not good. After she left, I used my expired inhaler and choked even more. My chest and my hernia were casualties of all that coughing and choking. Dang, my muscles hurt šŸ˜¦

I don’t know what to think. Am I getting better? Worse? Both? I could have an infection and a virus. That’s my guess, and what both nurses think. Time will tell, I suppose. The infection is what started all this and the oppotunistic virus came along a couple of days after I stopped doxycycline. Apparently upper respiratory infections are rampant right now. Figures I would have both going on at the same time.

Today there was a talk on TV by a guy. He seemed very dead and calloused. He said he never cries at movies. He made that sound like a virtue. I think he’s a walled-off robot. Usually if I cry from a video, movie, TV or story, it’s because I identify with what is happening. It is my own experiences superimposed on the media that makes me cry. My memories, hopes, dreams all coming together. When I read a book, I can almost become that character, but there’s also my own internal dialogue going on. What would I do? What am I thinking? How would I feel? Pfffffttttt….crying while experiencing someone else’s story is more about ourselves than about an actor or some words pretending to be real life. Let’s be serious. Just about everything is all about ME. We each have ourselves and not always anyone else. Everything we experience is through our own senses.

Nope, I didn’t go outside tonight to tangle with the local drug dealers and thugs. I looked at the internet to see the moon. Got it here.

I take hours to write a little sometimes I wonder if I make sense. It’s hard getting coherent thoughts from my brain. My body is the battlegroundĀ for biochemical warfare. It leaves me lacking.

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