LDS General Conference is held every April and October. I both look forward to what will be said and how it will change me….and I dread it. Ever since West Nile Virus, it is soooooooo hard to concentrate. I hold on to the fact that as the words are spoken, they go into me and evoke thoughts and feelings. I might not feel like I am retaining much, but hope I am. Later I read the talks, bit by bit, and sometimes I watch the videos. All I can do is hope that the important parts stick. And it always astounds me how often I have to cough, blow my nose, wriggle around in pain and get up and go to the bathroom. How do people go places and sit still in a big building full of people?

I could identify with President Thomas S Monson. He started out his talk strong. He got weaker and foggier at the end. His eyes looked just like mine when I am trying to hold on and wonder if I can. I felt very bad for him. He had to be helped back to his seat. I can only begin to imagine how he felt. It’s frustrating, embarassing, scary and humbling when our bodies are weak. He was much more poised than I ever thought of being. My solution to just about everything is to burst into tears.

I have been holding off tears on my own behalf for hours. My back still hurts from the PT and my chest still hurts from the nurse. I looked at the new blow-out in my hernia. It’s happening where the surgeon put in a drain during the second operation. Makes sense….it’s a weak point. I don’t think there is any of me that doesn’t hurt. And a weird one….the middle toe on my right foot started hurting while both nurses were here last night. I didn’t say anything, but I wondered what was wrong. Well, that toe woke me up several times in the night and was excrutiatingly painful the moment I first stood up this morning. It was shiny and red, but the color is fading. What the heck? How can something so small hurt so much?

OK, conference is over for this year. I wish I could have retained more of what I heard. I tried hard to soak it in. My brain kept checking out. What I really need is a nap. The nurse called to say since last night’s infusion was so late, she wants to come at 7:30 or 8 tonight. I guess I had better try snoozing. I feel yucky. And my voice is back to being broken. And my guts are not happy.

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