There was a minute today that extreme pain enveloped me and I thought “oh, good, maybe it’s going to kill me”. It’s not like I had time to think…it just popped into my mind. I was taken aback that I felt such pleasure at the thought. The last few months have been difficult and painful. The whole healthcare fiasco weighs heavy on my mind, while the muscle weakness weighs heavy on my body. I keep trying to imagine what it feels like to breathe easily and with no pain. It must be pure bliss!

It feels like my whole life revolves around putting food and drink in and hoping it comes out OK…while struggling to breathe. I spend 90-something percent of my life either sitting in my chair or sleeping in bed. The rest of my life is visiting the fridge or the bathroom. I watch or listen to TV and radio and I read things on the computer. I rarely go anywhere. Lately I hardly go out to the lobby. It has been a whole month since my laundry was done. Thankfully hand-washed undies dry fast in the desert.

Gastroparesis is painful and nauseating when you are a “normal” person. It’s exponentially worse when the transverse colon and small intestines are sticking way out past the fascia thanks to a ventral hernia…and there’s gastroparesis. Two layers of intestinal dysfunction…..many more times the pain and discomfort 😦 I keep making the mistake of Googling pictures of what can happen next 😦

Today I lifted up 3 bananas. They were too heavy for me. Instantly my eyes slammed shut and my voice quit working. That’s ridiculous. Sigh……

I watched a TV movie tonight. I hardly ever do that. I don’t like remembering what it was like to love someone. It’s easier to be a hermit. I realize that I try very, very hard to turn off vulnerable thoughts and feelings. I am still married to Rhett and I have no idea where he is or what’s up with him. People from this building have been talking to me about him lately. They were too polite to say so at the time, but now they all want to know how I endured his temper and yelling. They heard it and were worried for me. When people come to my apartment to say hi nowadays, they almost always drift over to that conversation. Do they sense I should be thinking about my marital status? 29 months ago, Rhett’s mother said she was going to serve divorce papers on me. I am still waiting :-p

I don’t want my belly to keep ripping until I am just about dragging my intestines. I don’t want to just barely exist without proper MG treatment. I don’t want to be a weak blob. I don’t want to deal with divorce. I don’t want to move, only to go through the same insurance nightmares. I really, really don’t want any new medical problems. I think it’s all that and more why just dropping dead from the latest pain has so much appeal. There are sooooooooooooo many hurdles everywhere I turn. Feeling old, tired and worn out tonight…….

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