The doc walked in the room and gave me a bear hug. He hugged me in the middle of the appointment and at the end. As I was leaving, he kept his hand on me. I feel bad for the doc. He is very stressed that he cannot fix me. He is one of the most compassionate people I know.

The doc specializes in pained looks. He was shaken when I stood up and showed him how humongous my hernia has gotten, he was pained to hear about the cystocele and rectocele. He groaned and said some bad words when he heard about the judge’s IVIg decision and he seemed to think the box of medical records was just par for the course. He apologized for not knowing what to do.

I told him his kindness and compassion were way better than being sent to dozens of specialists and subjected to awful tests….only to be told there’s nothing that can be done, anyways.

So….I cannot get the hernia reduced because there’s an 80% chance it will kill me…..ditto the rectocele and cystocele. I cannot get IVIg because Utah doesn’t want to pay for it. We are left with small measures to stay the least sick and the most comfortable. I got 2 more diflucan pills and another script for mupirocin ointment to treat the ever-infected belly wound.

He has no clue why I continue to have vinegar nightsweats. Me, neither.

As I was getting ready to go to the GP, my internist’s office called. They want me to come in for testing. That’s a new one! I guess someone noticed I have been avoiding their medical system. Not looking forward to the long trek there and back next week 😦

I wrote the above over several hours, then fell asleep by 6:30. So…..was the 4 hours I slept a nap or part of the night’s sleep? I was in so much pain that I just could not stand being awake. All the joints in my hands have been swollen and sore lately. The pinky on my left hand is deforming fast. I soooooooo don’t want to have bent hands like my grandmother!

Also, my breathing sucks 😦 I have been wheezing for days, with more coughing each day. The more I cough, the more my belly rips and the larger my hernia gets. Everything is a vicious circle. Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, my guts…….

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I want to find a way to leave Utah. It feels hopeless here when it comes to medical stuff. Then I get scared and wonder if the next place will be any better. Sigh…..