Things are the the way they are because of how you perceive them to be. I want my optimism and wonder back! I can remember when I would wake up excited to see what’s next. Where can I hike to? What should I explore? What delicacies can I cook? What project should I plan and work on? Life was full of infinite possiblities. I had something to live for. I was in love with life!
I did not understand people who settled for boring jobs, watching TV, staying in one place, rarely doing anything new. Money had nothing to do with my enthusiasm for life. I would make things happen. I had notebooks full of dreams and plans for how to get there. Since I knew what I wanted, that’s how I focused my energy.
It used to be easy. I was never short of goals. I am my best when I have something I just have to do. It was a compulsion…an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way…..not because I had to, but because I felt a need, desire and drive to do so. I felt that way about camping, homesteading, unschooling, learning, gardening, being a mom, traveling, etc…. Once I latched onto something, I ran with it.
I am not very useful any more. I have no big project. I got excited about downsizing my possessions, but am running out of steam. All the easiest things, that I am not regularly using, are gone. I have been trying to fill a cart with more, but now it’s nitpicky stuff….like sorting through papers to decide what to toss and what to keep. What I ultimately pare down to depends on what’s next. Am I moving? Where? What state am I aiming towards? How am I getting there? Am I going into an apartment? A van? Are there possibilities I have not thought of?
My perception of what’s next can be depressing or I can be excited. I have been jumping back and forth between how I feel. When my physical strength wanes, so does my mental strength. It’s discouraging to be so weak and short of breath. Without IVIg, sometimes my future seems hopeless. Other times I catch a glimpse of purpose and excitement, and I get energized. I am soooooooooo tired of crying about my circumstances. I need to once again point towards a concrete objective.
My biggest day to day projects are window shopping grocery flyers, going out grocery shopping, coming up with things to cook, seeking out cheap/free food sources, doing the food prep and cleaning up. I miss having a bigger aspiration in life!
I am not wanting to live here….yet I am grateful I am not homeless. Sometimes I hate the saying “half full or half empty”, and think yup….but it’s still half, either way….I want the whole thing. I want a whole life…not one that’s half full OR half empty!
I have to keep giving myself reality checks and pep talks. It’s a fine line between being optimistic and dealing with reality 🙂
Soooooo….In between watching TV, eating and hanging out online, I got up and worked as long as I could, before I had to sit down again. The recycle bin, the garbage bag and the give-away piles are filling up 🙂 Even though I am still pondering my destiny, I am moving forward.
I am also grateful I am not outside, trying to breathe!