I was awake from before 3 to after 6 AM. The usual aches and pains woke me up. At 4 I was getting queasy from taking meds on an empty stomach, so I sautéed some onions and mushrooms in a combo of coconut oil and butter. Then I added a can of cream of mushroom soup and a can of evaporated milk. I flavored it with TJ’s Everyday Seasoning and Penzey’s Foxpoint seasoning. It filled me up, quelled the queasiness and helped deal with my dehydration.

It’s very beautiful to watch the sky go from black, to deep royal blue, then the faintest outline of light is behind the mountains to the east. Pretty quickly, the whole sky becomes light. At that point, I went back to bed.

I am definitely having anxiety dreams. I have versions of the same theme at various stages of my life. Two anxiety provoking dreams center around doors and an amusement park. Door dreams start out with me in my own home or visiting somebody. Then each time I try to leave, I go through doors that take me to the wrong place. I end up in the kitchens and living rooms of strangers…or stuck behind someone else’s fence. No matter where I go, I am trespassing.

I hate the amusement park dreams. They always start out fun. I am with people and we start out together. Then there are shoots and slides and ladders and tracks. I get shunted off from ride to ride, unable to find my friends or to get out of the amusement park. Some dead ends are dark and creepy. Sometimes the ride operators send me off to abandoned and broken parts of the park.

Ack! The more I plan to leave Utah, the more my anxiety ramps up. Every time I crawl into bed and put on my CPAP mask with oxygen, it’s sooooo much easier to breathe and I usually fall asleep right away. Yesterday it was hard to fall asleep because I kept stressing out about the day I have to give back the oxygen concentrator and CPAP machine. Medicaid rents them, I don’t own them. How will I survive going without both until I can establish residency in some other state? It was very difficult to go without from the time I left Arizona on April 12, 2012, and the time I got my new machines in Utah, 5 or 6 months later. One thing that will help is going down in elevation.

hamburger

Tiny hamburger for lunch. Free burger and roll, .20 for Swiss cheese.

Today was supposed to be warm. Not so much. We had 90-something percent cloud cover and there was wind. I sat outside, talking, and my toes turned purple. Since I have not been out of my apartment much in the last couple of months, once I do venture out, lots of people want to talk. I never got too far the last couple of days. I meant to take pics of the forsythia bushes. They are in bloom. But I got to the bush near the broken fence and an insurance person or maybe cop or corporate person was talking into a headpiece and blocking my view. I got to the one out front and some homeless people were picking up cigarette butts. I was just about to take a pic of the forsythia on the other side of the building when The Stomper came barreling towards me in her car. She was putting on make-up while driving 😮 I was so shaken up that I got the heck away from her and forgot all about wanting a photo.

Brian, who fixed my wheelchair, is the unfortunate person who now lives underneath The Stomper. She is making his life hell. It’s both comical and very sad to hear him say the exact same things I did. I feel so bad for him 😦 While we were talking, several people who are friends with the woman who hit the fence were yaking about what happened. As usual, no two stories are the same and nobody knows everything. She only got a ticket for last night! Her car was towed away. I am sure the rest of the story will unfold.

bbqbuns

I did make it over to Oceancity Seafood to grab some eggs, and since I was there, I splurged on some bbq pork steamed buns 🙂 I had a couple for my supper ($1.66 for 2). I discovered that the Vietnamese restaurant a block from my house has changed their name. They used to be related to Oh, Mai!…and now they share the name. One of these days, I will splurge big time and buy some food there. Once Heather bought me a sandwich from the original restaurant, and it was tasty 🙂

I got into the lobby after shopping and there were a bunch of people gathered in a circle looking upset. The drunkest of the drunks in this building has a little dog. I have not seen it in months. He does not take it outside at all. Well, apparently the dog has been at death’s door all week and no one has done anything. The paper thin guy is ready to kill the drunk guy. He even made threats in front of me and others 😮 He called animal control and the humane society, and so did the manager…..but nobody came.

Then the phone rings. My appointment with the doctor is cancelled because of a family emergency. I hope it’s not his wife or daughter!

My arm still hurts….but that pain faded into the background today because I hurt my hernia. At the moment I woke up this morning, I stretched, still in my sleep. It made something very bad, not good and awful happen to my belly. I could barely move or breathe for several hours 😦 Tonight it feels like someone took a baseball bat to my abdomen and then kicked me with pointy cowboy boots. The pain goes straight through from belly to back. Really….what’s the point of all this pain in my life? Am I supposed to be learning something….or is it just my lot to endure?

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