reality

What’s the problem now? In the middle of the night, when I got up to pee, my feet were on fire. It hurt like heck to put weight on them. Once I woke up for real this morning, they were OK. I feel very blah. The MG has got me severely bummed. All my MG symptoms are back in force. I woke up at 8 AM with a blanket of sadness. I had not even had time to think yet when I started crying 😮 That’s weird.

I went out to the community room and for the second Saturday in a row, there is no pile of bread on the table. Must be that perk is dead and gone. The rain had stopped, so I went a block over to DI. I have been looking almost every day to see if there are any clothes my size. Nope. It was a fluke when I got my shirts. I looked it up. I got 7 shirts for $28 on December 9th, 2014. They were used when I got them, so some are falling apart now.

When I went to get dressed to go out, one of my shirts had a hole in it just from hanging there. I have sewn and resewn that shirt many times. The fabric is giving out. I bit the bullet and threw it out today…when even more fabric shredded while I was wearing it. I need to get more clothes. All of my skirts have numerous holes. It’s a hazard of wheelchair use. I am looking like my socio-economic status…that of a poor person with no resources. I need new shoes. I rarely walk with shoes on, but my Birkenstocks are pretty darn shabby and falling apart. I bought them online in 2011, on clearance, when I lived in the Adirondacks. Interesting wear pattern, huh? I wear out the outside edges.

pattern

Between being fat, having a humongous hernia and having that bump in my foot’s arch, it’s hard to buy clothes and shoes that fit and feel comfortable. Add to that having hardly any money, and I have no idea how to go forward. In the past, I tried buying Birkenstock knock-offs, but they hurt my feet. I keep wishing I knew the name of what was wrong with my mother’s feet. There were hardly any shoes she could wear, either.

wear

How I look has become more important to me. I guess it’s because as my clothes become obviously well worn, people treat me differently. The shabbier I get, the shabbier I am treated.  I am freaked out by how much shirts my size cost. I obviously haven’t shopped in a long time, but they seem to run $40 to $50 and up on Amazon. Geeeeeeeeeeze! I remember why I don’t look at new clothes. Might as well be a million dollars….cannot afford them.

I woke up thinking about what I lack, instead of being grateful for what I have. I have to keep chanting in my head at least I am not homeless. What I want is a wheelchair lift van to get out of Utah. Craigslist has nothing under $20,000 lately. If I didn’t pay rent, doc bills, food, etc for 2 1/2 years, I would have enough to buy one 😛

This is probably why so many poor people drink and take drugs….to try to obliterate the feeling of hopelessness. But substances only make it worse 😦 It’s weird that I woke up sad. Is it biochemical? Did I have a bad dream? Is something about to happen?

BOOM! I was thinking about sorrow….and booooooom…..rumble, rumble, rumble. From my chair I could see more blue sky and white clouds than rain clouds. There was another enormous rumble from thunder and a flash of lighting from the west, mostly out of my vision. I stood up to look out the window. A black cloud mass was coming towards us at a good clip. This weather certainly qualifies as interesting! It has been all contrasts lately.

curtain

I actually did something today. My missing front closet doors have been bugging me ever since I moved in. I have been promised them back numerous times. I still don’t see them after 2 years! The flip side to feeling bummed that I am stuck here is the knowledge that I am not leaving any time soon. Instead of being totally grouchy, I did something about it.

 

full

Now when people walk in, the first thing they don’t see is the vacuum, broom, swivel mop and other assorted stuff. It’s all behind the curtain…which is just one of my flat bed sheets.

thumbtacks

I put it up with thumbtacks…thanks to steroids 🙂 Usually I cannot lift my arms up very far. I wish I could tack up my bedroom curtains. Actually, I really, really wish I had a curtain rod. I need someone who’s tall, with long arms, or someone agile enough to stand on something.

chairs

I kept thinking my tenancy here was going to be short, so I didn’t care all that much about how things looked. When the missionaries came over, I made them get out the camping chair so they would each have a chair to sit on. I don’t like sitting here looking at the camping chair. I had it with me when I got bit by the WNV mosquito…but most of all, it reminds me that I am not camping 😦 You know what I would like? A wicker love seat. Then I could fold up the camp chair and the red chair could stay under the cat feeding table until more seating was needed. It would be nice if there was something across from me that was pleasant to look at….and useful for guests.

wicker

I need a yard sale find like this 🙂 Not many yard sales downtown.

Well…At 6 PM I felt well enough to go to Smith’s. I got a curtain rod for $4.99…but I really got it free 🙂 I never told you the bacon story. Last time I went shopping, there was cheap bacon for $3.99 a package, or manager’s special uncured bacon for $3.99. I bought the yuppy version. But when I got home, I had been charged $8.19. You can imagine I was NOT amused to have bought 12 ounces of bacon for that price 😮 I immediately emailed the company, but they did not respond. I went to customer service today….and instead of giving me the overpayment, they refunded the entire price and tax! I got a $8.44 refund….and that’s how I paid for the curtain rod. Win! Soooo cool when things actually work out in my favor 🙂

I might have felt well enough to go to Smith’s, but I felt awful once there, and on the way home. Oh, well….I got the curtain rod! That’s all I bought….so I made money by going to the store 🙂

hernia

Back to the hernia and feeling awful. Some of the very puckered skin is quite thin. It’s still ripping easily. I can flatten out to the left of my wound, but the right is almost too tight and too big and too heavy to even lift, let alone flatten. It’s the lopsidedness from the hernia weight that keeps ripping my skin. But….this is the most healed it has ever been. There’s still a raw spot at the top of the pucker. That’s my belly button just below my pinky’s knuckle. I am amazed I lived through this. It has been 1083 days since I was cut open. Not much longer until the 3 year anniversary.

I am a snot. When I am reading support groups, I want to smack some of the women with barely anything wrong with them who are on massive amounts of pain pills and complain bitterly at stuff I scarcely notice. Sometimes it’s hard to dredge up the empathy I should be feeling. Not very nice of me. I quickly rediscovered this about myself this week. Not very nice at all.

My other pet peeve is people who complain how poor they are, then get into specifics. Oh, please! Having your cellphone turned off because you racked up over $300 in charges last month, sounds like more of a discipline problem than a real one. Yup….feeling snarky. I unsubbed from most groups again. I got told one too many times that I would be healthy if I just ate organic fruits and vegetables and gave up grains. If only. It’s always the militant newbies who say that. After awhile they either die because they refused to take steroids that will make them fat, or they refuse Mestinon and take herbs and croak. The old ones know better.

As I used my last 2 pieces of bread to make a pb&j sandwich, I was remembering back when I ate low carb. The taste of breads and sugars grossed me out. Now I eat them on purpose and am lots fatter. No brainer to eat pb&j now….free bread, free pb and free jam. Well….there was free bread. I went back to the community room several times today. Nothing. I started thinking….are peanut butter cookies really much less nutritious than pb&j’s? I have the ingredients 🙂 There’s a backlog of food bank peanut butter in my cupboard. I need to make more peanut sauce for steamed veggies and rice. Mmmmmmmmmm……

Gee….I have been good at rambling today. Anything to take my mind off of what is really bugging me. So tired of crying……

suck

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