The better I feel, the less I cry…but the sicker I am, the quicker tears leak out. I am absolutely sure that I don’t feel bummed out and then get sicker. That’s one of those life-long guilt trips for me. Steroids disprove much of the BS that has been shoveled on me by morons. It’s obvious to pretty much everyone around me when I am feeling physically well or awful. I can sort of fake seeming OK, but my eyes give me away every time. Those traitors show my physical pain.

When I am sick and in pain, I am just barely holding myself together. One more hurt or disappointment comes along and I dissolve into tears. I stop having the ability to cope when there’s already too much going on. I was thinking about that this morning. I woke up feeling great 🙂 It didn’t last long. I spent the next 2 hours running back and forth to the bathroom 😦 By then, I felt really, really sick and exhausted. I got back in bed, thought about the saddest thing in my life and couldn’t stop crying. It’s not much better now that I am awake again.

I feel fragile. I wish I felt tough. I don’t like being blown around by each little up and down of life. I like the illusion that I have a bit of control. Fighting hard for food, stuff I might need or want, decent healthcare, etc….it wears me down. My strength gets depleted. I need to hide and save up physical and psychic energy.

It was a 2 hour nap afternoon. That helped. I have not dressed or even thought of leaving my apartment today. I need to stick close to the bathroom. Feeling exhausted.

I did get a call from the same heavy foreign accent person at my doc’s office. Still could not understand her. She then sent me an email basically saying nothing. I wrote back for clarification and got deafening silence. I am not impressed 😦 I wonder if the doc and NP realize the communications impasse? There have been no calls from the hospital that my IVIg script was sent to. Lots and lots of silence. Excuse me while I go cry some more. Way too much silence and aloneness in my life.

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