It really bums me out to be fat. Part of it is my resentment at how I am treated in Utah as a poor person. When I lived in NY, I was getting enough money to purchase food to keep me eating low carb. Mmmmmm…..all those meats, vegetables and berries 🙂 I loved being able to shop at Aldis. Now I consider myself lucky to find free carbs to stretch my 98 cents per meal allotment. And nope…no bread for the 3rd Saturday 😦


I get to Utah in 2012 and within days am bitten by the damn mosquitoes that gave me West Nile Virus….and not only do I have WNV, I now have pancreatitis that seems to have changed my diabetetes forever. Then the hysterectomy and unhealed belly wound that turned into a hideous hernia. Inside, my intestines are full of diverticulitis holes that grew into colon to organ fistulas. Lack of IVIg sort of melded together MG, MCTD, the paralysis from WNV and the long term CIDP to make me a wreck in a power wheelchair. And now I am back on long term steroids that make me fatter and fatter.


I woke up to find “Dieting Failure: The Real Reason It Is So Hard to Keep Weight Off Once Lost. Why do newly thin people often regain the weight they struggle so hard to lose?” waiting for me in my email.


I had been thinking a lot about how large I have become. I got a skirt delivered to my door yesterday. Gray Heather. Thank you kind person 🙂 I tried it on and it’s a couple of sizes too big…yet it’s not. The incisional hernia bump needs the room. It felt soooooooooo much better to have a skirt that did not hurt my hernia! Walking in that skirt would probably cause it to fall off….but I don’t walk and wear skirts….I sit and wear skirts. Most of the time at home, I wear nightgowns that neither fall down nor cut into my hernia.


I decided I MUST do my laundry, no matter how icky I feel. I gathered it all up, sorted, got out the detergent, etc. By then I was close to fainting. My muscles were all quivering, my head pounding, my vision double and blurry, I was SOB and worst of all, the throat spasms went nuts, trying to close off my throat. I have been sitting here for an hour. Outside temp low 60’s and I have the fan blowing on me, but strength is not coming back. I need to be thankful that my throat is only spasming on one side!


The CNP keeps telling me I need to go to the ER if the spasms get worse. All I can do is roll my eyes and say it will do no good. Each time the thickly accented woman calls, she says I need to go to the ER. How many times have I been to the ER with life-threatening infections or internal bleeding and no one cared? Going there for throat spasms is futile. I always think of the herbalist Adele Dawson. I liked her. She lived a few miles away from me in Vermont…until 1992 when she had an asthma attack and died. Whenever my asthma or MG tries to kill me, I think of her. I try to remember not to fool with the possibility of not breathing. Wow. I am really, really weak right now. Sigh….


OK…I went and did laundry. The place was full of small, screaming Chinese children. They had no inhibitions. They just looked at me, pointed, made rude noises and ran all over the laundromat…screaming each time they saw me again. I went outside and they followed. Wow. That was fun 😮


I am soooooo tired and sore. To go with the throat spasms, I have weird facial pain. It’s as if sections of my skin were stretched out tight for a few seconds. Interesting when the tightly pulled skin ripples across my forehead in waves. Sometimes my mouth does that. I wonder what it means? Feels like an electrical storm.


Or maybe 2 years….


It was all fun and games the first few days…until the whole apartment was clean and had been rearranged a few dozen times 😛


Kinda funny. When I came back from the laundromat…there sat the dishonest, drug taking ex-laundry-lady with the woman who lived with a man and had three boyfriends on the side…you know, the creepy sex-in-the-van-in-the-parking-lot people. As I passed…dead silence….then furious whispers. I hope they know what I’m like on steroids. Don’t mess with me!!!


While loading up my laundry from dryer to cart, I hurt my knee. I immediately started crying because of the pain. Then I remembered I was out in public.


Back to the killer headache. DO NOT DISTURB!