care

I’ve been tired all day. I only slept 4 hours Friday night. Then Saturday I did laundry and put it away. I had precooked cauliflower and broccoli a few days ago to make quiche. Then life got in the way, and I never completed the quiche. Thanks to steroids, I get a burst of energy most evenings….while at the same time being tired! So, I took advantage of the counterfit energy and got to work. It was torture 😮

There was no stopping once I started. I had to finish. I cooked up a package of diced bacon, added a chopped onion. In the frozen pie shells, I put broccoli in one and cauliflower in the other. I took the last of the Parmesan from the freezer and divided it between the 2 pies. The broccoli was seasoned with the last of the TJ’s everything seasoning grinder. The cauliflower got smokehouse maple seasoning. In a bowl, I mixed up a big and little can of evaporated milk with 6 eggs. I divided the bacon-onion mix in half and spread it on top of each shell. Then I shredded cheddar cheese over each. Filled the pie crusts with the egg mixture and baked at least half an hour at 350 degrees.

forget_to_breathe

 

While the quiches were baking, I cooked up a pound of sausage that I had thawed. I made that into sausage gravy. I put the last of my peppercorns in the now empty TJ’s seasoning grinder. Much better 🙂 I sat down to wait for the quiches to be done. I had been in pain while cooking….the kind of pain that makes me forget to breathe. It was an awful march from kitchen to chair. The weight of the hernia is wrecking my back and whatever muscles, tendons, ligaments, etc are working to hold up that mass, OMG!, lots and lots of pain. It was hard getting up again to take the quiches from the oven.

Then ever so slowly back to my chair until much later when the quiches had cooled down enough to wrap in plastic and put in the fridge. Then the sausage gravy went in a storage container. I hobbled back to my chair to eat a piece of broccoli quiche. Now, I never want to move again, but I must brush my teeth and crawl in bed. My entire abdomen is hurting. Duh…I remember why I nuke hot dogs and call it a meal.

I am going to have to come to grips with the fact that everything I do just hastens my demise. Making the bed, vacuuming, mopping, cooking etc all rip the hernia and the bigger it gets, the faster it rips. Ohhhhhhh…..this is not good 😦

Here’s hoping that the docs I see this coming week will know how to help me.

Monkeys

I fell asleep an hour and a half and woke up to pee. Then I slept 8 hours straight! I slept through a whole dose of Mestinon. Olive valiantly tried to wake me up, but I ignored her. Now I am extra, extra weak and shaky. Sigh…

I was reasonably comfortable lying down. Once I stood up this morning, it was like getting back into a broken, discarded body 😦 My internal organs shifted and my blood pressure felt like it was going up and down. My heart is still beathing all wrong. My limbs and most of my body are numb and prickly. I’m thinking the hernia has stretched and expanded faster than my circulation system can keep up. I don’t feel well at all.

mobility

I was reading my various RV groups and stumbled across this. Makes me realize how money can change lives. What if any disabled person could afford an RV like this? Wow! I could live and travel comfortably. The price tag is…no doubt…enough to freak me out. I’ve never even owned a car with air bags. Imagine something brand new! Oh…..just dreaming to keep my mind off reality.

The whole disability/money thing is quirky. If I hadn’t flunked my armed forces physical at 18, I could be a veteran and get benefits. If I had been hit by a car, I could get a settlement from somebody’s insurance, if I fell out of a ride at Disney World, I could sue. But if I was born with the wrong genes and then got bit by a mosquito….tough luck….I get the unworthy person’s pittance.

Although I am beyond grateful for the things people give me….I hate needing to ask. I would feel better if I could somehow provide for myself. The more disabled and helpless I become, the more difficult it gets for me to need and want things.

I am not trying to be melodramatic….but seriously….how much longer can I live with my intestines protruding from my body? I feel like the end is a lot closer than I thought it was. Today the scales tipped closer to the end. All the weird symptoms are making more sense. I feel visceral pain. It’s kind of like when my appendix burst. Something is wrong with the inside of me. Lots of pressure against my ribs and down to the pubic area. I can no longer reduce the hernia by pushing my intestines back inside of me. Just by looking at the pictures, that’s pretty obvious.

Death doesn’t scare me….being in tortured pain scares me. It’s probably not a good idea for my imagination to be going through likely scenarios. I will ask the doc tomorrow if it’s time to get me into hospice. I would be eligible for help around my apartment if I go on hospice. That would help.

Gee…my father had Crohn’s disease, my mother died of sepsis. One grandmother died from an obstruction in her intestines, the other grandmother was weak and on oxygen. One grandfather died of a heart attack, the other from old age and congestive heart failure. I am the culmination of my genes.

Said that and got a wicked bad pain in my chest. Perhaps my lung? It knocked the breath right out of me. It did not let up, but got worse. I cannot use my left arm. I took TRAX to Intermountain Healthcare ER…like the guy at Huntsman told me to do. My heart seems to be OK. They did blood tests. My BP was 118/34, but now it has gone up to 118/54. Kinda cool because each time I get dizzy and my ears ring, the monitor goes nuts. I like knowing I am not just crazy 😛 My oxygen saturation keeps going down to the 80’s. I have such bad MG droop that as soon as the doc saw it and heard me, he asked if I had MG.

More later….

 

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