zone

In my cranky old age, I get grouchy about plenty of things. Being on steroids only reinforces that. This whole thing with kids coming to my house has been more of an annoyance than a blessing so far. When the church guy finally set up a date and time, I thought the ordeal would be over. Ha ha ha ha ha ……

prednisone

I got up and took a shower, got out towels and cleaning supplies, and anxiously waited. When they were 45 minutes late, the annoying man called to tell me 4 kids would be here in about an hour. I’m ripping pissed off.

When I got up this morning and peed, I got quite the shock. The toilet was full of red pee with blood spatters on the toilet bowl. I already didn’t feel well. That only made it worse. I could feel the panic rising, to go along with the weakness and quivering I already felt. I took pictures. I have come to realize that docs only believe what they can see…and everything needs documenting. It has to be from vaginal bleeding from doing too much cleaning yesterday. I wish some doc would figure out why that keeps happening to me. Is it a bad thing? Should I worry or do something?

So…I was already shaken from the blood. I took my blood sugar and it was 116. I decided I would not shoot up insulin, take Miralax or eat until after the kids came and went. I did not want to be running to the bathroom with them here. All I did was take my morning pills.

Well, pills without food gets to be a problem after a while. When the annoying guy said another hour or so, I decided I needed to finish my morning routine and suffer the consequences. I had a bowl of rice pudding in the fridge 🙂

When the kids finally showed up, it was two young women. One had already been on a mission, so she must have been 20’s. They told me they were from Jordan! That’s a long way from here….about 16 miles. I thought they were from my ward, which is measured in blocks. They said their stake was doing service for people in SLC.

chair

All they did was clean my wheelchair. I am glad I did not depend on them for anything! But…then I got my comeuppance. When they got here, my voice was very, very broken. Makes me feel like the village idiot. They asked my conversion story for becoming LDS. It’s both touching and amusing 🙂 While they were cleaning the chair, I told them why I needed it…thanks to MG and West Nile Virus.

As they asked me questions, they laughed and smiled a lot. One girl said she suffers from depression, but when around me, she didn’t even think it was possible to be depressed. They both said lots of nice stuff that truly seemed sincere. They wanted to know how I could be so happy and upbeat despite all my trials in life. It’s always the same answer for me…faith in God. I wasn’t just saying that because they were from church.

blogging

After they left, I realized the other reason. My blog. I work through all the tough stuff by writing it down and sending it away. That’s my outlet for the bad things. In real life, most people like me. Snicker…..

Those women wanted to know why I wasn’t bitter and blaming God. They could hardly believe I could be happy despite all my hardships. They wanted whatever “it” was that I had. They gushed that I was a wonderful woman, full of the spirit and adventure. I almost cried. Then they said of course I must know how special I am? Uhhhhhhhh….what do you say to that??? I got the deer in the headlights look and said no….I was at worm level. I thought they were going to cry. I have a hard time accepting compliments…and an even harder time believing people are serious when they say them.

Soooo…now I get to feel guilty that I was grouchy about waiting for them to show up. The physical work they did was small, but I got a lot out of talking 🙂 It was fun watching their faces when my voice got better. I had been struggling away with 3 syllable vowels and lack of air as I talked. Then I got severe dizziness, my ears rang, and my voice started working perfectly 🙂 They were stunned. (Me, too)

They asked if they could come back. They want to do video interviews of me. They want my story kept in some archive. Hmmmmm…..well, I DO love to talk….whether my voice works, or not!

pacman

This morning we had 80’s. So far the temperature has dropped 20 degrees. Thank goodness! Dark and rainy out there. I could not deal with another 90+ day! I liked the weather radar 🙂 Looks kind of like Pac-Man coming to eat SLC!

For lunch, I made breakfast….onion, mushrooms, zucchini, sausage, tomato, eggs and cheese scrambled together, with 2 hash brown patties on the side, along with tomato salsa and Hatch chile salsa. After eating, my hernia hurt soooooooo bad that I went to lie down and slept for hours. I was woken up by my phone ringing. It was a missionary I had met in Temple Square last month. Interesting. I had told the stake president about her on Tuesday night….and then she called.

My hernia has been hurting so much today that I hardly think about the left lung pain. I’m just one big pain….no separating them. At 8 PM, it’s still off and on raining, with dark clouds. Nice to be in the 50’s! 🙂 I don’t do well when it’s hot and sunny. Today feels like an enormous relief. But….I see the 90’s are coming back soon. Sigh…..

I continue to wonder about the bleeding. Each time I pee, there’s a muscle spasm somewhere inside me. It causes a sharp pain. So far, no more blood. The other thing I’m thinking about is my newly diagnosed Dupuytren’s contracture. I keep wondering how much of my hand arthritis pain is actually from that. Then I wonder who of my relatives also had it? It’s hereditary. I think many of them had gnarly hands. I never considered why. I guess I always just assumed people’s hands got like that when you were old. I signed up to be in a Dupuytren’s genetic study. That should be interesting.

needs

I had an aha moment about the dead guy’s smoky books. I put them in the bathroom, where the exhaust fan is always going. I started reading The Seven Deadly Needs: the Need to Know, to Be Right, to Get Even, to Look Good, to Judge, to Keep Score, and to Control. That would be me. I know that when I am in a downward spiral of physical and mental not-wellness, it’s scary. I get better at enduring when I try not to feel the need to know and control everything. Easier said than done.

As I was in the bathroom for the bazillionth time, I could hear sirens. The ambulance and firetruck are here for someone. I know there are several people here on hospice, but you never know which of us is going to kick the bucket next. I started realizing I have not seen the woman who was getting impossibly thin. I wonder how she is? People are always asking me why I’m not in hospice care. Well…every time I get really sick….I get better. I don’t even know what to think about that any more. My hernia sure is getting bigger 😦 My internist and GP think I should be in assisted living. I always keep that in the back of my head if I desperately need to find housing in another state. But….it would have to be a place where Olive is allowed!

bounce

 

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