Last night I woke up a few times in a sort of suspended animation. I could neither breathe in or out….or swallow, and then the stuckness would pass. It’s terrifying to wake up like that. There have been all sorts of throat spasms and back of the tongue ripples for weeks now.
This morning I had to wake up because I could no longer breathe through my nose. I’m even worse upright. My left ear is stuck and I am not swallowing correctly on that side. The inside of my nose is swollen shut and the lymphs of my head/neck/throat area are all swollen. I’m miserable 😦 I do not know what I can do to mitigate the mold. All the manager did was spray in some Lysol. It’s not getting rid of my allergy.
Of course what I really want to do is get a wheelchair van and drive far, far away from this darn desert heat and pollution. I keep wondering when I will be so desperate that I will just abandon most everything I own and hitchhike out of here. I feel trapped in a thousand ways.
It’s not real helpful to just sit here and cry…but that’s what I am doing. My teeth need lots of fixing. I have not had dental care since 2011. I need my regular IVIg treatment. I need a smoke free, allergy free living space and clean outside air. I need better health insurance. I need more money to afford good food on a consistent basis. I need lots of things I am never going to get in Utah. I need to move to a state that will do a better job of giving me some dignity while being disabled. If the damn mosquito had not bit me, I would have been long gone from here.
I went out to talk to the manager about mold, but he was on the phone. I kept going and went to the library. Since it’s the first of the month, a new batch of Community Exploration Cards were up for grabs. I snagged one 🙂 For the month of July, I can go to 4 places for free…one trip each. There’s Discovery Gateway, a children’s museum; The Leonardo, a museum 2 blocks from me; the Natural History Museum of Utah; Red Butte Garden, a botanical garden and most years it includes the Utah Museum of Fine Arts, but that’s closed until 2017. Now all I need are 4 days in July that I feel well 🙂
I stopped in Washington Park after the library and zoomed under a tree for shade while I looked at my new pass and 3 brochures about UTA buses and TRAX. I would be lying if I said I liked holidays. They make me sad because I have no family to hang out with. Most stuff in Utah is heavily family oriented…and the extended families are HUGE. I wish I could go to a cookout or visit a state park or camp in the national forest, or go out to eat or just do something! No money, no social group.
I was feeling really queasy. I wanted to just go home and be in the A/C, but I knew that meant going back to being sick from the mold 😦 I could breathe OK as soon as I left the building. I had left my window open while I went to the library, to clear the air. When I got home, I closed the windows and blinds and got cool. If I get it cold enough in here, the mold is still a PITA, but less so. I had a couple of freezer burritos, a small avocado, sour cream and salsa, then a bowl of raspberries and shaved ice. Soon, I could not keep my eyes open another second, and I took a 3 hour nap.
When I woke up this morning, my blood sugar was a very nice 86 🙂 I ate a turkey and cheese sandwich and shot up 40 ml of Lantus. When I woke up after my lunch and nap, I was at 248 😮 Dang it! Tonight I shot up 50 ml of Lantus and ate 2 hot dogs. I need to make something yummy to put in the fridge for quick meals that includes more veggies. I wish I were rich and could eat some real meat and lots of fresh veggies on a daily basis.
I went out around 9:30 PM to get my mail. Nothing. I went outside and watched people in my neighborhood shooting off fireworks. Just as I was about to go inside, there were big booms. I figured it must be coming from the stadium. I quick wheeled it to the corner of State Street and 800. I sat in the pawn shop parking lot and watched some gorgeous fireworks. That was fun 🙂
Coming back home, it struck me. There are 2 times of the year I am most likely to move on. My birthday, January 9th and the 4th of July. In 2012 I left Portland, OR and headed to SLC. Got here July 9th. In 2008, I left Lakeland, Florida on the 4th of July and moved to the Adirondacks of NY. I wish I was going somewhere right now! Part of me likes moving. I like somewhere new to explore. Part of me is always searching for good weather, good politics and decent healthcare. I’m still searching for my utopia 🙂 I wish there was somewhere I fit in. I wish I had a way to get there.