enlightened

Maybe a few of our foibles are known to us? I passed a group of 3 guys sitting around outside. One had his back to me and his buddy said “incoming!”. I knew they were whispering about me. I don’t have a clue why. I don’t even have any good guesses. That got me thinking. There are people who really like me and those who don’t. I don’t know why they have those feelings…good or bad.

I don’t like to be around certain people because of their behaviors. I dislike what they do more than I dislike them. Most people I am fairly ambivalent about. I don’t think about them one way or another. They exist, we pass each other in the building or on the grounds. That’s it. A few people I look forward to seeing when we cross paths, a few I wish I never saw. Most people here I just feel blah about. There’s no connection. I seek no one out.

A week or so ago, I found out why there’s no more free bread. It was that guy I have mentioned before who used to work at the food bank. He was the bread man. I didn’t know he was doing that. He’s well known in this building for bringing home cases of meat or fish…or loading up his friend’s vehicles at the food bank. It always irked me because I get such crappy donated stuff and he pilfered the good stuff for he and his buddies. The tenant representative on the housing board turned him in to the food bank. Now that I know where the bread was coming from and who was making it available, I think she did the right thing turning him in…but I miss the free bread.

As I have said before, I rarely pursue friendships. I wait until people chase me around and want to be friends…and even then, few of them make the cut. I am friendly with everyone, but friends with very few. I don’t think of me doing that out of malice, but, well, disinterest and forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish I had friends to go places and do things with…but I hardly ever feel well. Sigh….now I remember why I am a loner…it’s all too much trouble and too confusing. I have spent my whole life guessing at what normal is, and not wanting to be normal.

Before I got too sick, I had lots of hopes, dreams, plans and a direction to go in. Now, not so much. It’s 4 AM and I have not slept yet. My guts have been hurting bad. I stretched out in bed for awhile, but was having a hard time breathing. I keep alternating between opening the window and having the A/C on. I’m stuffed up and swollen either way.

God

I have a condition called dyshidrotic eczema. I’ve talked about it before, without using that name. It has been ramping up for the last week. I get itchy bubbles between joints of my fingers and on the palms of my hands. Last week it was my fingers, yesterday my palms. Makes me crazy for awhile, then fades away. I hope it fades soon. I’m guessing the mold allergy is what brought it on this time. Each time they are new, I itch my fingers before I realize what it is. Then the bubbles pop and I get grossed out and leave them alone. Of all the other things wrong with me, it’s the least of my problems. But it’s annoying! I also wonder if the bumps on the back of my hands and the bumps on my back/shoulders are somehow related? They all happened close to each other in time.

By afternoon, the mold had me so sick that I had to get out of here. But where to go? I went to Smith’s for a $1 loaf of bread and TJ’s for two 19 cent bananas. As soon as I came through the door at Smith’s, the apartment manager came out of the Starbucks there and asked why I wasn’t at the bbq for tenants. I asked him the same thing 😛 Then he said my face was awfully red, had I been in the sun? I took that opportunity to say it was from my mold allergy. He said he will find something else to try to kill the mold. Yes!

When I got home, the bbq was still going on. I went in and snagged a hamburger, hot dog and sausage and brought them back to my apartment. Oh, my gosh! That had to be the worst hamburger I have ever eaten. It was overcooked, with not a drop of moisture in it. Like chewing on shoe leather. For the next 4 hours, I was in acute pain right around my belly button. Still hurts, but less intense. Not sure I ever want to eat the hot dog and sausage I have in the fridge! I wish I had stopped at the first bite…but I was sort of desperate for a piece of meat. I learned my lesson 😦 Be careful what you wish for….it isn’t always good for you! I hope that hamburger eventually digests. Ugh.

endowments

I guess I am still alive because I have a lot to learn.

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