It’s a very unattractive part of me. Been having a big pity party today. It’s hard to correctly regulate my blood sugar. I alternate between being afraid to eat and not giving a darn what I eat. Truthfully…it hardly seems to matter. Then, when I eat anything, there’s a lot of pain from my hernia. I am having more pain on my left side as the intestines try to creep across the vertical line from the incision. I go for hours with the hernia as tight as a drum. Then something changes and I can pass gas again. It’s one of those highly underrated things…until you cannot do it.
My eyes have been very, very blurry for days. I try to read for a while, but all the words are like a watercolor painting that got more water splashed on it. Words just swim together and circle the drain. I return to my default. When I am too sick and/or bleary eyed for any other activity, I sit very still and play solitaire on the computer. I cannot always make out the cards, but I make guesses and restart play a lot.
I get to thinking about what I have done in my life, what I wish I were doing now and what it is that I would like to happen in my future. I blame a lot of the bad stuff on money. That usually feels like what is keeping me from following my dreams. Now that I have that card from the library to go to some museums for free, I realize the bigger constraint is my health. I hardly ever feel OK.
There are always what feel like a zillion things wrong. My head hurts, my guts hurt, I’m stuffed up, both sun and fluorescent lights make me sick, I am weak, it’s hard to breathe, I need to go to the bathroom a lot, every muscle and joint hurts like heck, my lymphs are swollen, it’s hard to see with double and blurry vision, and I just plain feel like I have a bad case of the flu 24/7. Sometimes money is just the scapegoat. I think of it as always the reason because when I feel OK and want to do something, I have no money to do much of anything.
I blame my body, but I don’t blame my flesh and bones…at the same time. There’s just so much that a person can hate themselves and still live with themselves. I hate all the diseases and imperfections and infirmities! I realize that it’s easier to blame lack of money than lack of health for how I feel. In reality, health and money are closely tied together.
What if I had been able to go forth and use my college degree? What if I cut through all my blustering about how I did alright as a disabled farmer and really admitted that the whole thing sucks? Maybe I did want to be smart and famous and rich? On a bunch of levels, it would be easier for me if I just let go of all the defenses and things I hide behind.
Gosh darn it!!!!! Maybe I wanted to be normal? I wanted to have an easier fit into the world. I had plans and aspirations! I did not want to spend my whole life struggling with self acceptance. It’s easier to blame my lack of money than my lack of health for most of my shortcomings. After all, I could somehow make some money, be given some money or even win the lottery. It’s a lot easier to hope for money than health.
Sure, I have always hoped for health…and more often than not I have done all sorts of things to chase health by living right, eating right, dealing with my emotions, keeping informed, etc. But the truth is, it’s not all in my power. There is no cure for autoimmune diseases. I can mitigate some of the effects, but I cannot staunch the flow or progression.
I regularly have these pity parties and epiphanies. I feel enlightened for a while. Then I slide towards hopelessness. Then I get more spiritual and uplifted. Then I crash. On and on it goes. No matter what, I am still sick.
Lately I don’t even have time to learn about and get treatment for all my problems before the next one comes along. It’s a very steep learning curve to learn about the various treatments for Dupuytren’s contracture. If treatments are not of the right kind, in the right order, there is no going back. And….if treatment doesn’t start soon enough, usefulness of the hand is gone forever. It’s incredibly complicated.
Now my diabetes has gone from a nuisance to life threatening in the blink of an eye. I never appreciated high blood sugar until this month. Lows caused by malfunction of the pancreas or too much insulin is a medical emergency. Going from Lantus; to Lantus and Humalog; to needing an insulin pump in a couple of weeks is another huge learning curve. Mistakes could kill me. No pressure there! People have to be wearing and carrying a whole lot of back-up and emergency supplies.
I hope the above quote is true! Each time I think my illnesses are overwhelming, more is piled on. Oh, for the days when my biggest struggle was trying to get IVIg. Actually, it still is the biggest struggle. Thanks to no IVIg, I have to take steroids and the Medrol is making me rounder and more acutely diabetic 😦
And last but not least, Friday night’s sunset…a lot like sunrise, but in a different order 🙂