morningclouds

I was sitting here, enjoying the light, fluffy morning clouds when the phone rang. It was the Medtronics rep and she wanted to know what color insulin pump I want. I ordered pink to go with the chair 🙂

Then I tried to call Rhett. Just like yesterday, it went right to voicemail. I then called where he lives and asked them to give him my phone #. A while later, he called. Well….the shock deepens. I cannot believe the crap his relatives have dragged us both through. I do not understand most people AT ALL! Why do people feel the need to lie and take liberties with the truth? All it does is screw up their own lives and everybody else’s. The webs of anger, lies, violence, disrespect and selfishness boggle my mind.

In teachings of my church, one of the biggest deals is that God has given us free will. He guides us through the Holy Spirit, but it’s up to us to choose and follow our own paths. I do not understand why people from this tradition would then turn around and try to micromanage the lives of others. I am going to do my best to refrain from airing specific dirty laundry. It would take a forklift to move 😮

When I was a kid, I was used as the messenger. My parents would say snarky things that I was supposed to tell my grandparents and uncle…then vice versa. At some point of my life I caught on to what they were doing and became unwilling to participate…which only got me in more hot water. That’s how I feel today. I think I am being used as a way to piss off one faction of Rhett’s family. I am grateful I now know what happened to Rhett. I hated not knowing.

Listening to Rhett on the phone brought back a whole flood of memories. There’s the good Rhett and the bad Rhett. He can be very charming and also very contentious. His disabilities are in his head…blindness, bipolar, brain damage. It was always hard for me to know how much slack to give him. What was disability and what was just plain mean stubbornness? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that.

As Rhett was remembering our past, he said a few things that were glaringly wrong. He said I would not let him get up to use the bathroom and I had told him to stay in bed. What!?!?!?! Never, in a million years, would I say such a thing. Is that an implanted memory, something misremembered over time, or is it the result of his 17% short-term memory? He DID correctly remember how much I hated his stupid talking watch. He would push it all night long and wake me up. I was already overworked and overtired, so lack of sleep was close to making me go berserk! I was probably a heck of a lot more sensitive to that thanks to West Nile Virus. I’m sure I was no picnic to live with, either. It’s only now, after WNV is lessening its grip on me, that I realize just how weird that #$%^&!! mosquito made me. I was one giant raw nerve…and Rhett was on it :-p

A lot about our life together was very bad timing and interference by outside parties. We all are influenced by our upbringing, no matter how much we would like to believe we have risen above all that. The biggest lesson I have learned from our families of origin is that lying and secrets are killers. That’s why in my blog and my life, I try to go way out of my comfort zone and be as transparent as possible. I would rather have absolutely nothing to hide from anybody, anywhere. Yes, there are some things I don’t share, but they are not deep, dark secrets.

And…there’s a lot to be learned about a person by looking at their parents. I shudder to think how I have negatively impacted my daughter with my collections of inadequacies, quirks and idiosyncrasies. In my defense, I think I did the best I could, with the understanding I had. If only we got kids after a lifetime of figuring out life! There were also good things about me. My kid took those and amplified them a great deal 🙂 I should have taken more seriously the impressions I had of Rhett’s relatives! But would I have NOT married him because of that? No. I suffer from the hope springs eternal gene.

darkclouds

OMG!!!! Rain drops!!! The first raindrops I have seen in forever are hitting my window….maybe a dozen of them 🙂 At least we have some serious clouds! Most of the rain is virga…it never makes it to the ground. Half an hour later, there were 3 raindrops 🙂 So much for “rain”.

I talked to Rhett a long time today. We both have free government phones with a 250 minute cap. We only quit talking because someone got worried about him and went to get him for lunch. I heard her say that everyone else had already eaten. The hard part for me is going to be navigating between missing the good Rhett and wanting to be far, far away from his evil twin. I wish I knew how. Is there a manual for that?

Mostly I am relieved to know he is in a good, safe place. The pics online are of a nice, caring, protective environment. He has needed that for years. I still have nightmares about his living conditions when I first met him and then 5 years later when we got married. Humans should not have to live like that. Then, when he went to live with relatives after I was in the hospital, he lived in constant chaos and contention. The stories freak me out.

Meanwhile, I was here by myself, struggling to get the healthcare I needed. It is amazing I lived through it all. What a depressing time to look back on! It was all made worse for both Rhett and I because there was a lot of unfinished business between us. Open communication and telling the truth about things goes a long way towards a more balanced life.

So…I am in my usual state of confusion today. I love Rhett, but it’s better we just keep it as 2 people who care about each other….one in Idaho and one in Utah. The best time Rhett and I ever had together is when we drove from Florida to Idaho and back. I told him everything I was seeing and took him on all sorts of adventures. Then there were the bad times…like when he wanted to move to Missouri because I wanted to go there. That was awful! And it sure was crummy the last few months we were married and together. Why is life so complicated? I guess it’s so we will learn lots of lessons along the way.

After being alone day after day for months and years at a time, it was nice to talk to another human being that I have connections with. Until today, I had no idea how much I missed that. I feel like I have been some sort of stoic martyr, trying to pretend my life was OK, when there were things that really sucked. I almost hate to feel any bond…because now what do I do with that feeling? I do not want to repeat the past and I am very tired of feeling like I’m missing out on human companionship. Being alive hurts, but trying not to have pesky feelings is even more worse. Where’s my shrink when I need him?

Neither Rhett or I can afford a divorce and we don’t want to live together, either. Sigh….I wasn’t willing to admit just how lonesome I have been until just now.

me

Here’s my round steroid face and lopsided MG mouth today. I’m still alive! I was trying to explain my huge hernia to Rhett. I’m not so sure he understands what I’m explaining, but he was incredulous. As I was searching for the right adjectives and word pictures, I realized just how traumatic the whole hernia thing is. Ugh.

I only cried once while talking to Rhett. It took me by surprise and I felt stupid for getting emotional. We were talking about dancing together. The best I can do is hold on for dear life and sway with the music. I have always been a dizzy person. Rhett’s aunt took pics of us swaying and smooching. That is my favorite picture of us. Not very good quality, but still favorite. I remember how happy I was that day.

smooching

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