I have two long blog posts that I wrote the 23rd and 25th, that I never posted. I didn’t want to post yesterday. I felt better about that when one of my favorite bloggers said he lost his blogging mojo. Must be it’s contagious 🙂
I have been writing long emails to a few people. I guess that uses up most of what’s on my mind. Actually, my mind is soooooooo confused! I have had a lot to do and way too much to think about lately. Most human interactions confuse me. Over and over, what I think is simple for me, is seen in a very different light by others. I have been trying to analyze how my mind works. It’s interesting that my genes say I have a predisposition towards the autism spectrum. I always go back to good old Temple Grandin. I heard her talk and I was hooked. She is a high functioning, very successful, mildly autistic woman. I don’t think she’s weird…I think other people are. Many folks don’t understand how I think and I feel the same about them. It’s not a bad thing…it’s just a different thing. It takes all kinds to make a world.
I am somewhere between autistic and neurotypical. I imagine it’s like being half black and half white. One foot is in each world, but I cannot be categorized in either. If I try to be one or the other, both types reject me. Kind of like what I said about being part Neanderthal with inherited clan knowledge and part our sort of human, able to learn and innovate. West Nile Virus sure did mess with my brain. Because I have been reliving that time of my life in memories, I can see how I was before, during and after the acute phase, plus the long road of healing. Many things have come together to change my thinking and personality since I was born. I scarcely recognize the young Wendy who just plain never talked in group or unfamiliar surroundings. Now I have gone way too far the other way…under the right conditions.
It seems like people have been popping into my life lately who want to tell me how I make them feel, or what they think about me. The positive comments fascinate me. How do they get that vibe? Where does it come from? How do they know what kind of a person I am? Hmmmmm….. Same with negative feelings. Bad Wendy! Why do I often believe the negative over the positive? I can hear a hundred good things and one bad one makes me question everything about myself.
Lately I have been asking the old folks here at what point they felt like an adult. Wow! So many levels of that. Physical, mental, emotional. I sure thought I had it more together when I was young than I do now.
Tuesday is going to be a particularly bad air day. There are mandatory restrictions. The air has been yucky for days. Yesterday there were 4 separate 911 calls to this apartment building, with 5 ambulances here. One of them left with lights and sirens blazing. The poor woman already had pneumonia and a broken leg. She looked and sounded awful two days ago. The paramedic thought she was having a stroke. I have not heard who the other people are yet….or how anyone is doing.
Classification for myasthenia gravis. I was just rereading when I quit breathing and had to be intubated 3 years ago. It was awful 😦 I keep waking up choking lately. Feels like my tongue is blocking my airway. Scary!
This week there were two women with MG who died in their sleep…women I knew. One was 38, the other closer to my age. Reminders of mortality are all around me. Somehow I am still alive after all that has happened to me. In my new wheelchair, my hernia is very noticeable. Lots of comments about that this week. Last night a woman asked if she could feel the hernia side and the squishy side of my belly to try to understand how I feel. Touching 🙂
Today was the Pioneer Day parade. It was the first time I ever sat outside and watched the whole thing. Although I felt the same disgust at all the beauty queens and expensive glitzy floats, I was able to enjoy the overall parade. My WNV brain has come a long way! I put my wheelchair under a tree for shade. By the time the parade was over, I was very anxious to get inside!!! Physically, I was miserable the whole time. Cigarette smoke and general air pollution had me blowing my nose non-stop. I looked at myself in my sunglasses and saw quite the sicko. I need some decent sleep and plenty of rest with the A/C blasting. The power keeps randomly going out….which is scary, because the week ahead is predicted to be 100 or above each day. Extra scary weather and air for someone with chronic illnesses. I predict more ambulances. Sigh….