hated

Seems like who I trust has been a thread throughout my day. I cannot think of a single person in this building that I totally trust…..or even mostly trust. Over and over I find that I have been manipulated and lied to. It takes forever to sift through the gossip and decide what to believe. There’s always another angle.

unconditional

I feel that way about most people and relationships. I just want people to be real. Why are so many people so intent on manipulating? Liking, loving, trusting. It all seems like it should be so easy and natural. That’s what has tripped me up time and time again. I believe what I hear. I even believe how I feel at the moment….but it’s all a lie.

Lord

 

Today I was talking to one of my neighbors in the hall when another neighbor and his brother came along. We were all talking about God and I said that all my life I have tried to be too independent and too self-sufficient. That’s the holy grail of homesteading…but not of life. I need to trust God before I trust my own understanding. That can only happen by staying in touch with the Holy Spirit. The hardest part is listening and knowing when the spirit whispers in my ear. I have to discern between the real thing and my own influence on what I hear. It’s me I cannot trust. Trusting myself has been a life-long challenge.

trustGod

My new neighbor grabbed my hand and started praying for exactly what I was wanting. Then I got 3 hugs from 3 men and went home 🙂 The whole thing was very touching 🙂 One of the men I met last week, 2 of the men I had just met right then and there. It’s good to know that there are people who can be trusted in the moment. None of us needs to be perfect, we just need to be sincere.

heal

As for all the rest of the drama in this building and in my life? I am trying to just let it percolate and settle. My usual method of operation is to be bold and make things happen. For now, I am holding myself back. Again….my skills at having a farm, homestead and all that had to be proactive and decisive. I had to work hard for what I had. Sometimes people things are different and it takes time. Sometimes I just need to wait for other people…..and learn to let go, be calm and peaceful. A hard lesson for me.

letgo

More than anything, I need to keep my eyes, ears and heart attuned to God and let other things fall into place.

choices

Today was the 8th day of temperatures 100 or above. No wonder my lupus and MG are flaring. One doesn’t like heat, one doesn’t like sun….and we have too much of both! Lupus has given me a fever that is not letting up no matter how cold my A/C is or how much Motrin I ingest. Just a few minutes ago I was sweating profusely, burning up and freezing all at the same time. All while having incredible head and neck pain.

face of pain

Behold the face of pain

There are bad things going on with my guts 😦 It involves rips and blood and pain and crying. I could use a break from all this. The only time I went outside today was to go a block to the pharmacy and back. That long in the sun was unpleasant. Something has changed so all sun exposure feels like I am being blasted with a burning torch. While I was at the doc’s office, I made an appointment for next week. I need blood tests done while on Plaquenil and Medrol. The pharmacists noticed my thermonuclear glow and asked about my lupus. I said the heck with drugs, I wanted a new body. One of them said to come back tomorrow for it 🙂

glorious

 

well

 

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