The air is thick with smoke this morning. I sure hope we get rain soon! Last night I fell asleep…then I woke up 7 hours later…as if there were no time in between. When I awoke, I was all shaky and my heart was pounding. I thought maybe my blood sugar was low. Then I stood up 😮 Back to excruciating belly pain. I had totally forgotten about the night before. Yes….something very bad happened to my guts last night. Good thing I have 3 doc appointments next week. Someone can hopefully tell me what’s going on. Even better….maybe it could go away! But, it doesn’t feel like something fleeting. Sigh….
The fires are multiplying. There was rain in the forecast, but it’s not there now. Instead, the next 10 days show 90’s and sun. Thank goodness there are no more 100’s!!!! The air is so smoky that even between my apartment and the road, the air is fuzzy and obstructed. The sun is a weak glow in the sky. There’s nowhere for someone like me to escape to. The smoke seeps in with the windows closed. This is soooooo not good. Today my diaphragm is struggling to help my lungs breathe. Every cough feels like that thing from Alien is about to pop out of my abdomen. Ow.
When I first talked about ripping and blood, the problem was a recurrent anal fissure. Thanks to my Sjogren’s, scleroderma and Crohn’s, I am susceptible to the darn things. I have been getting this since my 20’s. Back then, it happened to me when I had chronic diarrhea. Ever since the hernia and gastroparesis, there’s no such thing as predicting my intestinal health. I have noticed that when the corners of my eyes and mouth, plus lips start getting cracks, I also get the dang fissure back. Makes me wonder what’s going on all the places I cannot see. I have been wondering if diverticulitis is also back, as I have been having symptoms. The pain from last night is still intense today 😮
I make comments that sometimes I wish I would just roll over and die when I get so many systems flaring. But….I don’t see myself as someone who commits suicide. I keep trying to get my medical needs met and plod forward. It gets tedious, but there are always things I appreciate about being alive, no matter how bad it gets. It is with great sadness that I read that another person with myasthenia gravis just died…this time by his own hand. He had a 3 year old 😦
I never stop questioning my presence on earth and wonder why God keeps me around. There are many times I feel like I am just a drag on those I know and love. Even though I feel that way, I do notice that there are quite a few people who seek me out and genuinely want to talk. Somehow, even when I feel like dying….I don’t…..either mentally or physically. My faith in God has a lot to do with that…but so do nice people. I get help, I have conversations, we share smiles and stories…always something. Every single person needs to realize how powerful you are. A smile or a nod to a friend or stranger might be just what they need to keep going. I know it has happened to me more times than I could ever count. We cannot stop a determined person from offing themselves, but maybe we can affect their lives before it ever gets that far.
Suicide just plain isn’t a very good answer. One thing I keep seeing is people with a long history of championing conservatism, who are skeptical of people who need financial help, then end up with an acute or chronic illness or something happens like a house burns down or there’s a natural disaster. Suddenly, that person is in need of help from society at large and particular people. It shakes their world. They spent years calling vulnerable people leaches and scum and saying we weren’t trying hard enough. Now they are who they despised. Way too many of these folks kill themselves slowly with alcohol and drugs or quickly via suicide. Yup….it’s hard to feel like a beggar. Maybe that means society needs to learn compassion for all people? The people with the most extreme views are the ones most hurt when their world crumbles. I won’t mention any names. Sigh…..
The world needs a whole lot more love, understanding and acceptance.