There are all sorts of machines and pills that can make our lives continue against all odds. At what point is enough…enough? I have had my life saved countless times thanks to antibiotics, blood transfusions, surgeries, hospitalizations, various machines to keep me breathing, etc. A lot of technology has gotten me to 60 years old.
Now what? I’m definitely feeling the diminishing returns. The “fixes” are getting to be as bad as what needs fixing. Steroids and I have always had a love/hate relationship. They enabled me to keep farming longer than I should have. They let me travel, they kept me swallowing and breathing. Now they still keep me going…but just barely. And wow!….do they ever mess up my blood sugar!
More and more, I spend my life trying to lower my blood sugar for most of the day, only to go too low at night. It’s not just the numbers…it’s what the numbers mean. My heart is taking a pounding. It beats all wrong a significant part of the day. All the ups and downs affect every part of my being. I can go between laughing and crying pretty quick. Insulin is a hormone. Feels like nothing in me is regulated right. I have always been complicated medically. Now it feels a heck of a lot worse with all the autoimmune diseases, the hernia, diabetes, allergies, etc, etc.
I have been thinking a lot about how far it’s worth it to go to prolong my life. I think I was in my 30’s the first time I up and quit all my meds. The docs had me on about 30 different things. Instead of getting worse, I got better. I then only added back a couple of meds. I’ve done this several times since then.
I am resisting learning more about the insulin pump. I’m sure it’s partly fear of change and the complexity of it all…but I also wonder when it’s prudent to just give up? When does it all become too much? Why does someone like Stephen Hawking keep going? Would he be less excited about existence if his mind was going, too?
My doc’s bad day at the office rubbed off on me. I was taken aback by his resignation to death and disease….but I “get it” more each day. I have been fighting a valiant fight for decades. I am wearing out. It’s seeming more and more like an endless round of doc appointments, pharmacy trips and deliveries, appointments for new machines….and all that for less and less function…..and fewer and fewer times of feeling well. Part of me wants to scream enough already!!! I am worn out physically and mentally! Leave me alone!
My quality of life is diminishing. I feel guilty for all the things I cannot do anymore and guilty that I can still do some things when I am not doing all. Going to the picnic up the canyon, going to church for sacrament and visiting the temple for a dinner and session are good examples. Yes, I was able to go. Yes, I was glad I was able….but the aftermath was awful. I’m not anxious to repeat any of those things and feel guilty that it’s just not in me anymore. What my head and heart want is not backed up by my body.
I wrote that, and then a BYU Devotional came on. It was speaking to me. Go to the website and click on Trust in the Lord’s Plan by Sister Robin Dunlop. Choose watching it, reading it or listening, like in the example above.
Trusting in the Lord’s plan is how I have gotten this far. I need to keep trusting that if I do my part, what’s supposed to happen, will happen. I don’t understand a lot of things.
Just when I thought I was getting calmer, Rhett calls…or someone with his phone…and then hangs up. I know he gets visitors on Sunday. I sobbed for an hour. One more reason that life sucks. I only talked to him that first day we reconnected. I hate unfinished business 😦 It has taken me a month to chill out after our last conversations.
I have not let go of the anger and hurt as well as I thought I had. I was the one in the hospital, getting my third operation in a month when my husband took off with his relatives. No one contacted me, no one answered their phones, no one visited me in the hospital, neither my husband or his relatives cared if I lived or died. I was all alone until Heather and the kids showed up. I’d like to know how in the twisted Wyatt world that the failure of our marriage was my fault? I spent weeks and weeks with Rhett in hospitals all over the country…when he had the open ulcer on his leg and often had MRSA or gangrene. I slept in a chair in the hospital or in my RV in the parking lot most of the time. Yes, I’m still hurt. I’ve done my share of stupid things in life, but I hope I was never that willfully mean. Just saying this probably makes me the ogre. It’s hard to be me. I’m getting tired of it 😦
I suppose the answer is to keep doing what got me this far. Pray, read scriptures, watch BYU TV and go to church or the temple when I am able. I am very, very weary.