fir

Every morning for weeks, I have woken up to wildfire smoke. The Salt Lake valley is a natural trough that holds the smoke between mountain ranges. I took pictures when I was up at the cancer hospital. Very dirty looking air 😦

I have been contemplating my life and declining health and realized what I write is not a whole lot of the story. I add bits and pieces of places I have gone and conversations…but even though it probably doesn’t seem like it…more often than not, I try to put a more positive than negative spin on things.

I was sitting here listening to CD’s and crying. I don’t include anyone into that world. I don’t particularly want to put some of that into words. When I write things down, it’s easier to get rid of the burden and to process my thoughts and feelings, though. Over the last week, I have realized that I project a braver image than what I feel. Deep down are my strong feelings of faith and the love of God…but there is also a huge well of pain and fear. I try to stifle my weaknesses by invoking cheerfulness and spirituality. That does help. But I am still scared.

Many of the hours of my day are spent walking the edge of a very deep abyss. I need to pay attention and do my best not to fall in. I feel like if I am lax about taking meds, testing blood sugar, shooting up insulin or getting medical help….well, that’s the end of me. I am no longer tough and resilient. There’s very little margin of error. Sometimes that is a terrifying reality.

It’s getting harder and harder to see. And I forget things in 2 seconds or less. I am not as aware of my surroundings. Much of what I do is in a fog. Yesterday I needed something out of the hard-to-get-to cupboard. I never gave it a second thought after I retrieved it. Several hours later, when it was dark, I saw a glow from the stove. When I reached up in the cupboard, my hernia had turned on a burner. It must have been hot something like 5 hours 😮

I had taken my meds around 9 AM, with the requisite 3 prunes. My blood sugar was 76. Then I made myself a pb&j sandwich and shot up 2 kinds of insulin at 10. My blood sugar was 84. I felt awful 😦 I went out to by bread and milk at Smith’s and 2 bananas at Trader Joe’s. I was surprised to discover I had stumbled on free hot dog and potato salad day at TJ’s. They were cooking and serving out front. I wish my taste buds would come back! On the way home, I started to cry because I wanted to go to the park, but felt too awful. But then….

ken

I found a fantastic distraction! I have had Ken’s book ever since it came out on Kindle. Today I paid $1.99 to upgrade it to Audible. I have been listening for hours. One thing that fascinates me is that I grew up wanting to be an interior forest ranger. I even went to forestry school for it. Later I decided to be a homesteader and organic farmer so I would have NO boss. That way I could do forestry on my own 10 acres and grow and preserve food to my heart’s content.

Listening to Ken’s book made me realize how different I was from youth. I always aspired to be a backpacker, hiker, camper, bicycler and all that. I am extremely grateful I followed my dreams young. My body was giving out from my teens, on. Listening to this book made me appreciate myself more. I’m also glad that Heather was able to do so much adventuring before becoming a mom. Now she can drag her own kids along 🙂 I highly recommend getting this Kindle book and paying extra for the audible version. It was a bummer for me to not be reading….but now I can have somebody read to me! 🙂

Walden on Wheels: On the Open Road from Debt to Freedom
by Ken Ilgunas
If you buy the Kindle version, it’s $2 on Saturday.

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