I mention this a lot, but when I was a kid, visiting a zoo, I watched an orangutan pick up its belly and set it on a rock. Must have been a glimpse into my future. I thought it was hilarious then. Not so much now that it is me. I was sitting here in great gobs of pain. My guts hurt unmercifully. I went over to the counter by the window and hoisted my hernia up on it. Instantly I could breathe better, my guts quit hurting and I stopped being dizzy. I could not believe how much better I felt! Then I took my intestines off the counter after maybe 5 minutes and let them fall. OMG! What a jolt! I was shocked how much it weighed and how I instantly went back to misery 😦

I think I have figured out why I get so insanely dizzy when I stand up, and again get almost to the point of fainting when I lift my arms in the air. It has to be related to how much of my blood supply is in the hernia. The kitchen counter is 36″ high. The counter by the window is 40″. 40 is way better! I felt almost human. Now….I feel even worse than before I attempted that experiment. From elation to sorrow in record time.


But….there is no help. I am devastated at the implications. Way to be depressed. At some point, I will no longer be able to stand up. It’s pretty darn hard to move around now. The hernia gets bigger like a rolling snowball gets bigger. The larger it gets, the more my skin rips, the more the hernia expands. And on and on until, well, use your imagination. I went and read more about massive ventral hernias like mine. It’s actually amazing that I am still alive. I wonder how much longer until I am not? The hardest thing about knowing I am going to die sooner rather than later is wondering about how much pain I will have to endure between now and then. I have enough scary conditions that it’s anybody’s guess which problem will be the one to do me in.

As hernias get bigger there is a loss of what is called “eminent domain”. This means that once the abdominal viscera occupy a hernia outside of the abdominal cavity for a length of time the abdominal cavity irreversibly shrinks and the viscera can never be returned again into the abdomen. Attempts to repair these hernias result in elevation of the diaphragms and embarrassment of respiratory function, that is, suffocation. From: The Inoperable Hernia

There are soooooo many things I need to do….like laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, sorting out medical records, etc, etc. I have close to zero strength and energy. Taking out the garbage and recycling every few days is enough to make me weak all over, my eyelid droops, my voice disappears, I get dizzy and disoriented….and more. A month ago, the endocrinologist said she was going to get me a home health aide. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! Not very likely in Utah.

Over and over I keep thinking about how grateful I am for the gift of a pillow wedge and eye masks. Those have done a heck of a lot to make sleeping possible again. Before those I was choking constantly and then any light at all would keep me awake. It’s a huge improvement to wake up without my eyes all dried up because MG won’t let me keep them tightly closed. Each night when I get in bed, it’s such a relief to have the right tools for sleep! 🙂


I have been very slothlike for days. I move slowly…or hardly at all. I haven’t left my apartment in a couple of days. Most of the places I go are inward journeys. It’s easy to get lost there.