(I debated whether to leave this anger in. I’m calmer now, but it’s part of the story)
Every time I go past this house, I get the creeps. A fitting place for dark, creepy thoughts.
Late this afternoon, I finally got a call from fucked up home health and hospice company #2. Company #1 promised help thanks to the nurse of death and nobody came back for a month…and the company acted like people had been coming to help me all along. Company #2 sent a nurse to do paperwork and discussed the kinder, gentler hospice care they offered. It was scheduled to start on the 14th. Today a whole new nurse calls from company #2 and says all they can offer is help to shower because my insurance won’t pay for anything else. After further probing, somehow the latest paperwork they got isn’t even for hospice. WTF!?!?!?!?! Yes, I am very mad. I don’t even know who to be mad at for the moment. If anything can be screwed up…it will be.
This house always makes me wonder if druids live here
This is the angriest I have been in a long, long time. I’m not sure who is playing games and why. The nurse just called back to say she’s not coming today and it will be days before things get straightened out. Good thing no one can hear what’s inside of my head right now. It’s not pretty. I have been enduring all sorts of physical pain in order for my body to slip away….and for what?!?!?!?!?
All that anger raised my blood sugar and brought on a raging fever with sweats. My face swelled up. I was very weak and barely functional. Some time before 4 PM, I got so hot and bothered that I went out into the brooding weather. It was warm and stormy looking, but no rain since 3 PM. There was a cop car hiding behind trees on the top floor of the next door parking garage. He gave me the creeps.
I decided the only cure for my foul mood was ice cream. I went to Trader Joe’s for ice cream and salad dressing. Mostly I went out to get out. Taking pictures helps me see the world better and calm down. I focus on what there is to see and am not dwelling on me or my problems. Again, it took all my strength to stay conscious and stay upright.
When I got to the apartment lobby, my former window stalker stopped me. Then Hyper Helen. Apparently all any of them….and the many passers-by could think about was that I was going to die any minute now since that’s what I looked like. I was barraged with questions about death arrangements. I realized I had been taking a who-cares attitude. I figured if I was dead, it was someone else’s problem.
I got back to my apartment after the whole surreal polite nagging and worry….and had a great big bowl of raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and melting ice cream. The coldness seemed to bring me around…that and sitting in front of the fan. I started to feel somewhat better. Then Hyper Helen came to the door. She was here for a couple of hours.
Helen told me stories of all the deaths she had been present for. She told me I was not giving myself permission to die. I was losing consciousness while she was talking. My voice was broken, my chest hurt and my eyes were mostly closed. I wanted to focus and pay attention. I covered my left eye with my hand. Right in front of Helen, the muscles of my face started working again, my voice was clear and I could laugh and smile again. I listened to her a loooooong time.
Then I got a pain in my head, my right pupil got bigger and the whole right side of my head and neck got numb, my voice became broken, my eyes mostly shut and I was again almost losing consciousness. At that exact moment, a fire truck and ambulance pulled in the parking lot. Helen looked at me and wondered how I could have called them. I hadn’t. She left soon after because she thought I was about ready to slip away and die.
The whole time Helen was with me out in the lobby, then later in my apartment, she kept telling me about the Dr Oz program about death.
Dr. Oz explains what happens during the final minutes before death. Then, intensive care doctor Dr. Sam Parnia discusses the importance of learning more about death and the process of dying.
Yes, the stuff discussed on the Dr Oz show is how I felt when I died having Heather. Helen says I am not ready to let go yet. I keep slipping towards unconsciousness, then snatch myself back. It’s eerie she sees that, because I have been thinking the exact same thing. After all these years of willing myself to keep going no matter what, it’s hard to give up that drive for self-preservation.
I learned a lot of profound things about myself tonight. Now the anger at the hospice companies seems pointless and stupid. I think it was a stage I needed to go through.