flames

Bzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttttttttt….NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

rage

After all the messing around on the phone and in person with hospice companies….it was all useless. An hour after the nurse was supposed to be here today, she called to cancel. I was so mad I don’t even remember what her excuse was. I do remember that she once again said I could get help taking a shower, but the rest wasn’t going to work out because of my insurance. There was a lot more to it, but by then I was ready to beat the snot out of somebody and I told her to take my name off her company’s list….and I hung up. What’s up with all these people and companies? Why must these people mess with me for days and weeks????

I was alone and raging. I don’t like trusting anyone to do anything….that way I cannot be disappointed. I’d rather expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised when something, somewhere turns out in my favor. It’s no secret that most “help” turns out not to be helpful….like Meals on Wheels. I hate waiting for someone else to fulfill my needs. I hate needing things!

I had my laundry basket, soap, dryer sheets and quarters all ready for the woman who promised she was going to help me today. When she cancelled, I went to my room, ripped off my lounging clothes and was putting on outdoor clothes when someone came to my door. It was Hyper Helen. Not a good time for her to walk in! She tends to go from being helpful to being obsessively helpful. I was in no mood. I told her I was going to use this strength from being angry to do my own laundry! I practically had to run her over to get out of my apartment.

For the first time, I used the giant $8 washer at the laundromat. Sooooooooo much easier to stuff everything in one machine 🙂 There was a sign on it that said I would need 50% less drying time. I took their word for it. I stuffed all the laundry into one dryer and put in a dollar to dry. Amazingly, it worked 🙂 Easiest laundry trip ever. It also used up most of my anger.

Each time my adrenaline starts to wear off, I think about all the things making me mad, and I feel like a wimpy mother able to pick up and toss aside a car sitting on her kid. Super human anger and strength.

This week I keep re-living Heather’s 6 week unauthorized excursion from Vermont. She was 14 and took off backpacking by herself….while Vermont searched for her body in lakes and woods. Long story. Most blog readers have probably heard it. I had to learn to give over my problems to God and let Him bear the burdens. Because the Piano guy’s daughter is missing and presumed dead in Oregon, I keep re-living that experience this week. I am forever grateful that Heather returned home OK. It would be nice if Annie is OK, too.

My anger, tension, frustration and whatever is fueled by the fact that my body is trying to give out. On one hand, that feels like a huge relief to just let it. On the other hand, I wish I still had more exploring in me. Going through the process of letting go and letting nature take its course is a very mixed-emotion undertaking. I have a zillion thoughts and feelings. Then add in a contentious presidential election, all the people in my building in tough shape, frustrating world news and on and on and I have a lot to deal with mentally. I really hate being screwed with. I haven’t exactly forgiven the state of Utah for denying my IVIg’s…..and now getting hospice help has turned into its own quagmire.

Helen just called again. I did not answer. I pretty much don’t want to deal with anybody about anything right now. I am waiting for the flames of my anger to turn to coals, then ashes. When I have cooled down, I will go back to trying to find ways to cope with my health and the world. Grrrrrrrrrrrr……..stay away……..I might bite!

bite

 

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