Last night I could not remember if I had taken my evening medicine….or not. I decided to just go to bed. Woke up at 4:30 AM in the kind of pain I rarely feel any more. Ooops! I guess it’s good to know those diclofenac pills really work…and that duh….I need my Mestinon on time. So I have taken my morning meds and sincerely hope they kick in soon. As soon as the pain dulls, I’m going back to bed!

forecast

I went back to bed, slept 6 hours after taking meds, until it was time to take more. My headache has not let up all day. Perhaps it wasn’t just from missing meds? It has also been difficult to breathe all day today. My chest hurts non-stop. I’m sure the change in weather has a lot to do with how I feel. It’s 70….but dark and damp. A front is supposed to come through. They’re saying rain late tonight/early tomorrow and a dip in temps. I feel blah like the weather looks.

One thing about having chronic illnesses is that it’s impossible to know how I will feel from minute to minute or day-to-day. My immune system has its wins and losses. There’s no such think as a linear progression for the good or bad….my health is all over the place. Just when it seems predictable, everything changes. If I could have made people understand this most of my life, it would have been a great triumph. I have been forever judged and found not what people were expecting.

10-things

That’s the theme of today. I have been thinking about people I have met who I most and least admire. While thinking of my church ward, a couple I have written about here are #1 on my list of who I most wish I could be like. I think they were president and matron of a temple in Hawaii. They have been married “forever” and it only takes one look at them to see how much they love each other. The man used to guide Rhett between meetings. They are the epitome of humble and loving.

I had been obsessing a bit too much on people who have made me feel less-than. I don’t think they even did it consciously. People in the same socio-economic class often love and care about each other while feeling disgust at those not like them. I am guilty of that. I guess we have expectations of other people that we do not consciously realize. I don’t like feeling looked down on…and there are certain people that just always give out that vibe to me….but not to their peers. I suppose it’s much the same argument as race bias. People who are shunned, know it. It doesn’t matter that someone can be really nice to a different subset of people if they’re not nice to your subset.

It has been a life-long struggle of mine to try to put myself in each person’s shoes to try to figure out what makes them who they are and do what they do. Ultimately what matters most is not changing others, but each of us being as good a human being as possible. Way too much finger-pointing at what’s wrong with other people and not enough soul-searching and work on ourselves. Thank goodness we can still work on that in eternity. I need more time.

Have you heard the new Michael Bublé album? It’s called Nobody But Me. I was wearing out his other CD’s, so it’s nice to have another one to add to the rotation. The more I listen to the whole CD, the more I like it 🙂 When I was driving from Arizona to Oregon and exploring the coast in 2012, I listened to Michael Bublé CD’s…and sang along at the top of my lungs 🙂

first

I have instituted a new spending policy. If there’s something I really want like ceviche, a haircut or this CD….and I have a penny to my name…I get it. I have not been like this most of the rest of my life because there was always the future to worry about. It’s nice not to care any more! 🙂

second

Whoever bought me that vacuum cleaner, taught me a great lesson. I might not last much longer….but nobody has a clue when I am going to die. Until that happens, I am alive and should act like it. There are still places to explore, pictures to take, foods to eat. I should look presentable in clean clothes and a have decent haircut. I need to remember that I am worth it….even if I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.

third

As I have learned from trying to get hospice care….I HATE needing anybody or anything….and I hate asking for help even more. That opens me up to disappointment, criticism and judgement. I have struggled with this sort of thing my whole life. Maybe I am supposed to figure it out now? I don’t see how. I have not really ever understood most people-stuff. I am trying. It’s a lot easier to just be a hermit….or to write a blog as a way to show I am indeed, human 😛 Does that work?

fourth

I spent all day waiting for church folks to show up to give me a blessing. I even got dressed! Nobody contacted me or showed up. I got into jammies. Almost every night, closing the blinds causes me to start fainting. I have to lie my head on the countertop to recover, move the blinds a bit, put my head down again and repeat until done and un-dizzy enough to walk across the room. Then I went to the kitchen and repeated the whole head-down thing a mess of times in order to rinse my drinking cup, get the cold water out of the fridge, pour the water, fill the Brita pitcher with more water, put it in the fridge, put the cup on my walker and go to my chair, holding the walker for dear life. Each of those steps requires putting my head on the counter until the whooshing in my head gets quieter. Then I have to sit here gulping air and waiting for both my head and my chest to get better. What a production! Then I have to repeat similar steps to close the bedroom blinds and curtain and then change clothes!

fifth

After going through all the syncope bother, I checked my mail. There was an email about getting a blessing. It was sent at 3:27. I got it after 7 PM. This is the second time now that Google has warned me this email might be a phishing scheme. Anybody ever have that happen? Do they hold the email for a while? Why? I guess I need to learn more about why Google does that. I know the person…..I hope it’s not really someone else!

sixth

These window pics comprise my entire interactions between me and the outside world today. You can see that once it got too dark, the camera’s flash came on. I always enjoy watching the different clouds and light as the sun starts to set.

seventh

Good night….

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