My short-term memory is scary. Sometimes it only lasts for seconds. I have had to come up with ways to get from point A to point B, while still remembering. Almost every time I go from my apartment to the building’s front door, I have no idea why I am there or where I am going. It takes hanging out, talking to people and lots of trying to think before something clicks in my brain.
Stuff from the past is much easier to dredge up. I guess that’s why old folks like me talk about the past so much….at least we still remember it! Usually it takes some trigger to get me back to another time. This morning I was watching the CBS news and Norah Jones was on. They said in 2002, her first album came out. I remember! Peter, Heather and I were in Boston….or at least Heather and I were. We stayed at a hotel and I had doctor appointments.
As soon as I heard Norah Jones, I paid attention….which in itself, is unusual for me. I loved the music! I went right to a big music store and bought her CD. That was very, very unusual for me. I remember more about Norah Jones than I remember about the docs I saw 🙂 I was sent to Boston at least 3 times when I lived in Vermont. All my life I have been “complicated”. I never have just one thing wrong, and it’s never something “normal”.
Did I really say I was OK with this in the pre-existence? Was I crazy? Must be I needed to develop my character and endurance. I hope there are perks later! Hopefully by living through all this, I have advanced through some important learning stages. I guess I had a lot to learn! And thank goodness there is eternity to keep learning. I’m going to need it.
Yesterday, the next stage of existence seemed much closer. There were several times that death seemed more imminent than ever. I figured out why breathing is so much harder than just MG or asthma or air pollution. My hernia is more than an annoyance to breathing. It is now a hindrance. If I can somehow prop up the hernia, I can breathe much easier. I was horrified to discover how much harder it is to breathe in bed as well as when sitting. Because the hernia has become so round, it doesn’t stay where it’s put. It’s a lot bigger than when Heather was here. I wish I could take a picture. It takes all of my strength and both hands to lift the hernia up. It is much more in its own sack than when it looked like a snail foot. Now it’s like a huge beach ball that’s not as attached to the rest of me. Yup…hurts 😦
Another thing that seems to be progressing exponentially are skin issues. There are hundreds of new skin tags. And all over my entire body are those stucco keratosis things. They get to a point where they hurt/itch. I spend hours of each day scraping the flaky, waxy white lumps off my skin. Yuck. There must be some sort of relationship to crummy health that makes skin things proliferate.
The all inclusive body edema gets worse and worse. Even the bottoms of my feet are full of fluid. It’s like walking on a squishy rocking chair rocker. My ears are full of fluid, as is my scalp….and everything between my scalp and soles of my feet are swollen. This is crazy 😦
I cannot stand up for more than a couple of minutes. Very soon, my back aches something fierce and the tug of gravity on the hernia cuts off my ability to breathe. As far as I know, these are obstacles that cannot be overcome. I am more convinced than ever that a pacemaker won’t/can’t help me at all.
Breathing got so difficult that I gave up and crawled in bed with CPAP and oxygen. I slept 3 hours and woke up confused. With a heart monitor and an insulin pump attached to me, I have to locate them, put clothes on and somehow fix them to me with clips or in pockets. Without my brain working well, it’s crazy how difficult it is each time I change clothes or get up from my living room chair or go somewhere in my power chair. The wires and tubing get all caught up in each other. The slightest tug and either my electrode patches unstick or the wires unsnap. The meter alarms and I have to figure out what the problem is and then fix it. I already have sores all over from the “sensitive skin” and regular stickies. Sigh…
Then there’s the insulin pump. I am still trying to figure out why my blood sugar is so crazy high, Yesterday afternoon I was 241. Today I had a salad for brunch made of greens, avocado, pico de gallo, chicken meatballs, ranch dressing, Mexican cheese and chow mein noodles. I figured it was about 50 carbs, but punched in 100. I hoped I would not go too low. When I woke up, I was 209! At first I thought maybe insulin was leaking from my site. I looked closer and there’s blood under the adhesive. I only have enough supplies to change the site every 3 or 4 days. But when I changed the site after highs last time, that wasn’t it. Could it be more than stress? My messed up sinuses? Infection from the hernia ripping? The huge amount of edema? All those? Something I haven’t heard of?
I also feel anxious about my broken phone. The company has not written back. Perhaps it’s time to go find another lifeline company and start over? I hate the thought of updating my phone number all over the place. I still have that $5 phone just in case. I would have to pay for service, so am trying to hold out. I figure I could always email someone with a phone if I need emergency help. Too bad it’s so complicated to text from a laptop. I would have to know the carrier of the receiving person. There is text to 911 in this area. You would think in this techno age that there would be more options for talking to cops and ambulances.
A long time ago, I paid for a phone # that could be used on the internet. What a PITA! I hate telephones. I hate talking if it’s not in person. My hearing is as scrambled as my voice is broken. I forgot who I was talking to last week. I had to ask them to speak slowly and clearly. I still could not understand. All I heard was wha wah wah wah wah. I get sooooooo frustrated trying to live in a very confusing world! Thank goodness for email and blogs. I can do those more often than I can talk.
I am still frustrated with my camera to chromebook transfer. The first time I put the new SD card in my Lumix camera, it formatted the card and automatically downloaded the pictures. Ever since, the pics cannot be erased from the SD card and the chromebook no longer discerns between new photos and all the photos on the card. It’s getting to be a major PITA now. I have gone to forums for both chromebooks and Lumix. I am sooooo confused. My other chromebook had an SD card slot. This one doesn’t. When I put the SD card into my other chromebook, a prompt would come up saying I needed to eject the device. Even with the card almost full, each time it would only show me the new images. When I connect this camera with a USB cord, it never shows an eject symbol. I’m too old and confused. Sigh……I wonder if there are solutions to my problems?
Are you getting the idea that just about everything is annoying me right now? I’m probably extra grouchy from my physical and mental defects plus all the not-helping from organizations I need help from. It does not make things better that I never left my apartment today…because I felt so yucky.