mountains-leaves

I got to sleep 2.5 hours last night. The upstairs smoker had my whole apartment full of cigarette smoke in the evening. My lungs hurt way too much to lie down. Eventually they hurt way too much NOT too 😦 I was hungry for oxygen. Very restless couple of hours of sleep. I had to get up 3 times to pee. I was excited that might mean less edema, but the swelling is even worse today.

Then the heart monitor woke me up. It was buzzing. My eyes were too blurry for me to read what it said. I felt all my electrodes and was soon snoozing again. Then the monitor was buzzing and woke me up. I grabbed glasses and it said I needed to charge it. What the heck? I charged it at least a couple of hours yesterday. I had to get up and plug in.

flame-tree

Why oh why did I start reading political posts on Facebook??? Soon my chest was tight, guts in turmoil and I had a wicked headache. Not enough sleep, not enough peace. All those things hurt as soon as I woke up and political stuff was like twisting the knife. So much hate!

My apartment continues to be full of cigarette smoke. The air tastes like licking out an ashtray. The woman upstairs must get up every few minutes to smoke 😦 I’m falling into deep despair. I hate the heart monitor and insulin pump that demand so much of my attention. I am in limbo….not expected to live much longer….but not dying very fast, either. Instead I get to hang around and be miserable.

golden-above

My face and neck are redder and fatter. My hernia is huger with increased pain and pressure. I’m not losing consciousness now that I have pitting edema…but I am dizzier and spacier. My brain isn’t working very well. No person or company I have turned to for help has contacted me back. The weather mirrors my emotions. Last hurrah for nice days before wintery weather. Most days the air pollution from temperature inversions is making me sick. I don’t want to go anywhere, but I don’t want to stay here, either.

This feels more like depression than my occasional bad/tough days. I’m mostly too bummed to cry, or to get mad…or whatever. I don’t like this mental place.

bouquets

Some time before noon, I took off in my new power chair with no destination in mind. I mostly wandered around side streets, going slow and just looking at everything. I wound up at Trader Joe’s and was surprised to see the transformation from Halloween to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

succulents

Our official high today was 73. It broke the high temp record for the day by 3 degrees. My brain function was in slow motion. By the time I got home, I was barely functional. I decided I had better take a nap. While removing my shirt, I ripped the insulin cannula right out of my belly. I was dumbfounded with not a speck of energy. I put the insulin pump on suspend, stuffed it under the clothes I just shed and almost instantly fell asleep. I woke up about an hour and a half later, choking on cigarette smoke 😦

wreaths

Sigh….I knew the first thing I needed to do was poke a new hole in my belly. I got the insulin flowing again and fixed a meal of rice, veggies and peanut butter sauce. I’m glad my guts are letting me eat some good old regular food again. It has been a long time!

tjs-wreaths

I do my best to cheer myself up, but still feel awful mentally and physically. I have a feeling the depression will probably kick up a notch when it gets cold and rainy with clouds, early darkness and snow. I’m thankful I was outside for a while today.

tjs

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