antisocialI’m almost 61, I’m not very good at people stuff. I don’t think that’s going to change. I spend hours reading and thinking, I interact a lot (for me), I pray, I look everywhere for cues. Truth is, as a kid, I was a keen observer. I was always trying to figure out how to be a person. I didn’t then and I still don’t understand all the “rules”. Who wrote them? How do you know what to do in each situation? I was always confused then and now I am even more confused.

starving

I love the times I am blissfully unaware of the games of superiority, one-upmanship, socio-economic class, and all the ways people are divvied up and treated. I would rather see each person for who they are…but generalities are a heck of a lot easier. What happens when your generalities clash with mine? It puts a wedge between us that drives us further apart. And usually I am glad. I don’t like being treated as less-than. When people let it be known that I am less important than them….good riddance.

brain

But….what if we need each other? What if we are each pieces of a puzzle that need to come together to make better sense of humanity? What if they greatly need the lessons only I can teach and I need their help? I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I usually feel pretty worthless nowadays…but I don’t want people acting like I am. Life sure is complicated! I’m always wondering which is preferable….becoming numb to hurt and hate or remaining sensitive to it? To turn off compassion and empathy seems like ceasing to be human. Yup….conundrums.

avoid

I’ve been having a lot of trouble breathing. It has been getting worse by the day. Remember when I said I kept catching myself holding my breath or not breathing when standing? This afternoon I absolutely could not breathe while sitting or standing. I thought I was a goner. I got in bed with CPAP and oxygen. After lots of gasping for breath, I promptly fell asleep. And then I was rudely awoken an hour later by people parked in front of my open window who were beeping, yelling and burning rubber. My heart is still pounding and my whole body is quivering. Ugh!

like

When I couldn’t breathe, I realized it was my diaphragm not working. I have been thinking that I had a purely mechanical problem from the hernia, but I took an extra Mestinon just incase. My diaphragm did get stronger with Mestinon! Lying down also repositioned the hernia to take away the drag-down of all my guts. Now that I am sitting up again, I have an acute pain in my left middle abdomen. It feels like the hernia is again trying to move to the left. Somehow I need to know if the pain is bad enough and means part of my intestine is incarcerated. Something is protruding out 😮 It has started quite the burping session!

swollen-face

I woke up this morning with even more swelling of my face and neck. I think it’s from all the cigarette smoke in here 😦 It comes in from my bathroom fan and also down through my bedroom closet. Just great, now my clothes are getting saturated with smoke. What a nightmare! I hate being allergic to the world 😦 All my lymphs are swollen from head to toes. I can’t imagine how miserable I would be without the steroids.

help

Oh, oh. My blood sugar has been good all day. I haven’t eaten in hours, but now that the pain is more intense, my blood sugar has soared to 249. Dang it! I feel lost when it comes to knowing what to do for all these problems stacking up.

fires

All the forest fires right now are prescribed burns.

I was thinking the smoke in the air was thanks to the condo people across the street. Maybe it’s not them…or not just them. There’s a fire nearby according to TV news. It’s also a lot warmer than I expected. I saw 67 this afternoon. 63 now that it’s dark. It’s supposed to start raining later this evening…with snow in the mountains.

bewildered

I hate the way I get dumber and clumsier in the evening. I use a metal tooth pick on my teeth…and have for years. Tonight I was tremoring so bad that I poked a hole into my lip with the sharp metal. Ow! Soooo tired, so hard to breathe, so few brain cells….

life

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