It used to be easier to be nice and positive in public. I feel like my personality is getting more erratic. It’s harder to stay on an even keel. I think it’s part psychological and part biochemical. All the physical stuff wrong with me is a lot to deal with. The scary part is my quickly fading memory. It’s easier to slip into sad and negative without meaning to.
Eating a salad for lunch is the perfect example. I was all excited to have a big salad. The less than 5 minutes it took to microwave some chicken meatballs, slice a tomato, cube an avocado, pour in greens, shake in some Cotija cheese and mix it all up with Ranch dressing and chow mein noodles, had me gasping for breath and in tons of pain. I was sooooo glad to sit down and eat! Then I accidentally bit the inside of my lip 😦 I very carefully and mindfully chewed on one side or another until the very last bite from the bowl. I think I thought I was swallowing, but had one last chew. I chomped down hard on my lip. I didn’t just sob, I wailed. Olive was so freaked out that she jumped on my lap and stared in my face. Olive is not a lap cat.
I sat here for quite awhile….promising myself I would never eat another salad. I was mad at salads and tired of chewing! All that chewing and swallowing got my MG mad. I started going through a whole list of injustices, slights, annoyances and bothers. My mood got darker by the minute. I finally got a grip and realized how biting the inside of my lip turned into major depression.
That got me wondering why? I think it’s because I am so unsure of everything that it doesn’t take much to crumble my world. I am perpetually tired, forever in pain, always struggling to breathe. It’s a lot to deal with. I am too hard on myself. I feel like I should be a better example. Pfffftttt! I just want to cry and scream and dissolve into a heap 😦
There are things that need to be done, lists to be made, instructions to write down. I just want to be left alone to sit here like a blob. Arrrggghhhhh…..
Well, I was exhausted from the chewing and mental gymnastics. I was struggling mightily to breathe. I got in bed with CPAP and oxygen. It was a great 3 hour nap 🙂 I woke up cheerful. Then I tried to open an encrypted email from the heart monitor company. I wasted an hour of my life trying to follow their instructions. I have no idea what they wanted to tell me. I hope it’s not important.
It seems like everything frustrates me! I suppose steroids don’t help, either.
Today I am thankful that I do not need or want much. The news was full of people waiting in lines to get stuff cheap. All that waiting, elbowing and fighting. Not much of that in the lettuce aisle. I have not left my apartment for the last 2 days, so I missed it all. Tomorrow I have big plans to take out the garbage and recycling 😛 I think it will also be turkey day. I keep squeezing the turkey and parts of it are finally thawing. That should keep me busy 🙂 Gosh, I am already getting tired thinking about Saturday….