I tried to see the underside of my hernia in the bathroom mirror, but I can’t. I decided maybe it was doing better 🙂 Of course my whole abdomen hurt all night and all morning. Then for one trip to the bathroom, the whole right side of my garment bottoms was soaked in clear fluid. That used to happen all the time before the surgery cuts healed shut. Then the next time, there were spots of blood. The time after that, I removed the Telfa pad to find it bloody. It looks a bit gruesome.
OK….this isn’t going to heal and I have to deal with that. It’s only going to get worse. I must accept that truth. It’s hard to shed old habits. Usually, given enough time, my body has been able to heal itself. The pressure exerted by a hernia is formidable. Both hands together cannot even begin to hold it back. As the force becomes greater, the skin and muscles have been getting thinner and weaker. The fate of other people with gigantic hernias is soon going to be my fate. You’d think I would have totally accepted that by now. Nope. There’s always been that ray of hope in the corner of my mind.
I wish what can be seen was all that was wrong. My entire abdomen is in pain. My intestines are trying to push through the skin. When I sneeze, cough or blow my nose, it feels like my intestines are about to pop through the skin. My diaphragm does not want to move. There are wicked bad intense pains within my skin and abdominal muscles. Sometimes I just stop breathing 😦
I was going crazy….sitting at home, obsessing about my guts blowing out and my impending suffocation. I decided to take out the garbage and keep going. As I went towards Trader Joe’s, I spent a lot of time thinking I probably would not be doing this many more times. It was quite painful to go a few blocks.
On the way home, reality was distorted. I felt awfully close to the other side of the veil. It’s hard for me to talk and breathe at the same time. It’s hard to just be. All the thinking and feeling can get overwhelming.
I was very glad when I got home. I wasn’t so sure I was going to make it. I am safe and well provisioned. Will it be my last shopping trip?
Since I’ve been home, I have gone back and forth. Sometimes it felt like the end, sometimes I convinced myself there was nothing wrong with me. A lot to grapple with. Expect me to be weird. I am trying to be patient with myself.
Here are a bunch of myasthenia gravis memes…..