I’m absolutely sure God loves the person. What does He think of the music? Would God be smiling, swaying and tapping his toes like I do?

I was having some pretty horrific pain, so listened to Bublé’s latest CD. Even through the tears and distress, part of me was happy 🙂 I used to listen to CD’s from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and feel the same way. To me, it’s pretty obvious when music is pleasing and soothing and joyful….no matter what sort of genre it’s from. I like to think that God is pleased with uplifting and happy music. Sure, other types of music have their place..but I’m needing happy. I have a few Reggae favorites that always buoy my spirits.

As I was sitting here wishing God would take me sooner, rather than later, I was imagining the angels listening to good music 🙂 Made me smile through the tears. In this world, I see people trying too hard to be edgy, technically proficient, ostentatious….whatever….instead of just celebrating life and love and nature and the soothing balm of good music. I notice that in the church. More and more, the people playing the pipe organ in the conference center or tabernacle are doing complicated solos. From my point of view, it’s trying to showcase personal proficiency over giving the glory to God through focusing on worshipping and celebrating. Just my opinion, of course. Personally, I want the music to make me feel closer to God. Michael Bublé makes me feel closer to God and angels than a pipe organ solo 😛

I’m such an idiot. I did not want to waste the salad greens in my fridge….so I made a salad. I knew my guts were whispering not to do it….but I did. Ohhhhhhhhh, the agony! I don’t think I am digesting much any more. One of these days I will learn to listen to those gut whisperings.

Big tragedy here on the home-front. My bedroom fan died. I knew it was coming. The last 2 times I had to unplug it, the fan took forever to start spinning again. I bought the 2 box fans together and the living room fan kicked the bucket a few months ago. One perk of not going to so many doc appointments is that I have enough money saved to buy another box fan. Next time someone asks if they can get something at the store for me…I can say YES! I like that the guy who is taking Olive lives in the same building as me . I told him he has first dibs on everything in the apartment. Now I feel OK about replacing a fan….because it will go to him 🙂

race

Ugh. I have been crying for hours. I am in more pain than I have felt in a long, long time. Something is major screwed up in my intestines. This feels like a horse race. Sometimes lungs are in the lead and it looks like I will die of suffocation. Then ulceration pulls ahead of the pack. Then diverticulitis or blockage comes racing up from the back of the pack. So many reasons for pain, distress and ultimately death!

In the middle of my wailing, I got another email from the home health and hospice company, saying they figured it out. A request had been sent to them by my doc’s office and now that it was located, they were working on insurance authorization. I thanked the person for helping me. Then after mulling it over for 5 minutes, I read the email again. It seemed to say I was being signed up for home health. I wrote back and asked if I was going to get that instead of hospice.

In the hour and a half between my question and the response, I went though hell. I was in screaming pain. I started to wonder if this was going to be another futile attempt at getting help. Then I was both depressed and angry. I wondered if my doc was being honest with me. Then I felt acute embarrassment. What if I was not terminal and I had already told everyone I was? Next was extreme anger. I would rather think of myself as fending off death for as long as possible rather than trying to break into the club. It just went on and on. I fought with myself for being in so much pain and for being disappointed I might not be in hospice.

I checked my mail every few minutes. By the time she wrote back and said they were enrolling me in hospice, I had fought a mighty war. Then, because I am perverse like that, I started crying even harder because I really am going to die! 😦 This whole mess has taught me a lot about myself. I am crazy.

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