This can’t keep going on as is. I either need someone to fix what’s wrong with me….or help me compassionately out of this life.

Last night I went to bed and endured 5 hours of horrid chills. I was neither fully awake or asleep. More of the flashing pictures that went with each sort of move in my body’s effort to warm up. I woke up, went to the bathroom, then slept 3 hours for real.

I woke up hot and sweaty, but have switched to chills and back a few times. It’s a cough up crud from my lungs day. I haven’t been able to eat or drink much for days. Today I have bloody diarrhea. The swelling in my groin and other lymphs is life-alteringly painful. I cannot emphasize enough how HUGE the swelling is….and it just keeps getting bigger.

It was utterly useless to go to the ER a couple of days ago. All they cared about was testing my heart. That’s NOT my problem! There has to be some sort of infection happening. I wish I had the results of the blood tests they did. I have a very long history of masked infections. I suspect it’s a combo of high dose steroids and the selective IgM deficiency. Usually infections are identified by growing them out.

OMG! Some idiot with a boom car is parked right in front of my window. The deep booms go right to the parts of me that hurt the most 😦 Turns out it is some sort of maintenance man 😦 They often have early morning meetings here for workers from all over the valley. Time to fire the jerk….or at least give him a talking to. He pulled up a few feet from my open window at 7:30 AM. Grrrrrrrrr…..I’m grouchy enough already!

I had 2 sips of kefir with my meds this morning. It made me soooooo sick! More of that bubbling out of me nonsense and no better luck with water. By 9 AM I just wanted to die. Every fiber of my being was in pain and the nausea was overwhelming. I wanted to try another hospital and kept debating where, plus debated if I should call my clinic doc or the internist first? To be honest…I was too weak to take a shower and that was holding me back from going anywhere. I did some serious praying and crawled back in bed.


Wow! I was conscious of sweat dripping on me a couple of times, but never woke up until 6 hours later. In my sleep, lots of people talked to me. I don’t remember who. It was very deep dreaming. I’m not sure what messages were conveyed to me, but I woke up different. It took a long time to become fully conscious. I realized I was sunken into the memory foam. I don’t think I moved at all while asleep. That was reinforced when I realized Olive was sleeping between my feet! When I took off my sleeping mask, it was dripping with sweat. My undergarments were all wet. I sat up OK! I realized I had more strength than I have had in weeks.

I easily stood up and turned off my breathing machines. I took off my insulin pump and had the longest shower in memory. I felt like I had to rinse out all my pores and get rid of the poisons. I was able to raise my arms enough to shampoo and I stood up the whole time! I got dressed without becoming SOB! I admit I was still a bit scared by the stinging in my lungs, but I could take much deeper breaths.

Once dressed, I was HUNGRY! I nuked a breakfast burrito. Most amazingly, I was able to stand up the whole 3.33 minutes the microwave was doing its thing. I used that time to slice a tomato and avocado and get some sour cream. I wasn’t sure if I should shoot up insulin. What if it was like this morning and I wouldn’t be able to eat? I ate the whole plateful! Then I shot up insulin.

I have been sitting here wondering what’s going to happen next? Will I keep getting better? Is this a short reprieve? This whole thing made me realize how much I miss night sweats. They would make my joints better and un-seize me. Today’s sweats were more like breaking a fever sweats. At no time was I hot, though. These were more like cold sweats. I feel a zillion times better than this morning. Even if this is temporary…I am grateful!!!!!!


I have had a boatload of people praying for me. Wow! Powerful!

I woke up to an email from the case manager who sent me the phone numbers of 3 hospice places who will accept my insurance. I need to look up who the numbers go to so I can see if they are companies who have already been here. It certainly would not have been the first time the insurance company claimed it would be covered. Ummm…I just Googled the #’s given to me. A generic number for a whole hospital system is less than useful. I will try calling the #’s next week. I hope my voice will work.

For now….nobody could be more amazed than me that I feel better. Of course my groin and other lymphs are still hugely swollen….but hey….anything is better than I was!

Ohhhhh, darn! 7:30 PM and I got up to pee. Now the other side of my groin has swollen lymph nodes. They, too, are wicked painful 😦 Then I went to the kitchen, hoping I could cook something. I was too SOB to do more than grab a quarter cup of yogurt. Got back to my chair, and was already soaked in sweat. Dang it! Dang it! Dang it!